New Year's Resolution Alternatives

Last year I was listening to KLove and they were talking about instead of making New Years resolutions that fall by the wayside shortly after they are made that you choose One Word, that God lays on your heart to be your word of the year, something that you want to work on and see manifested in your life and something that brings you ever closer to God.  For more information check out this site:  One Word

I have chosen my word for this year already, I didn't participate last year because I didn't feel like God was calling me to do so, But I am finding a word on my heart for this year.  I will post more about my word later.

As for my other resolutions (which technically should be thrown out the window if I am just to focus on one word) are to continue:

• Continuing to monitor my eating and trying to gradually reduce my caloric intake
• Trying to get back in the habit of daily devotions & making time to read through the bible in two years
• Become more organized at home (& in my room)
• Try to find a part time job.

The Legend of the Poinsettia

On Christmas Eve a small child had no gifts to give the Baby Jesus.  When she prayed an angel appeared and said, "Whatever you give from your heart will make Jesus happy."  So the girl picked some weeds and as she took them to church they changed into a brilliant red bouquet of poinsettia flowers.

The Holly Wreath

The holly wreath symbolizes the crown of thorns worn by Jesus at Calvary.

Its red berries represent the blood He shed for the forgiveness of our sins.

The endless circle is eternal life obtained through Him.

The Tradition of the Pretzel

Pretzels began in the 6th century at an Italian monastery.  A Monk was preparing unleavened bread for Lent and twisted the scraps of bread dough to resemble arms in prayer.  He named his creation Pretiola, a word meaning little reward, and gave it as a treat to the children who recited their prayers.

Meaning of the Christmas Tree

Green is the second color of Christmas.  The stately evergreen, with its unchanging color represents the hope of eternal life in Jesus.  It's needles point heavenward as a reminder that mankind's thoughts should turn heavenward as well.

The star was the heavenly sign of promise.  God promised a Savior for the world and the star was the sign of the fulfillment of that promise on the night that Jesus Christ was born.  God always fulfills his promises and, wise men still seek him.

Red is the first color of Christmas.  Red is deep, intense, vivid.  It is the color of the life-giving blood that flows through our veins.  It is the symbol of God's greatest gift.  Christ gave His life and shed His blood for us that we might have eternal life. When we see the color red, it should remind us of the most wonderful gift.

Just as lost sheep are guided to safety by the sound of the bell, it continues to ring today for all to be guided to the fold.

The glow of the candle represents how people can show their thanks for the gift of God's Son that Christmas Eve long ago.

Twinkling lights symbolize, each one representing one of God's precious children, their light shining for all to see.  Let your light so shine before people that all may see it and glorify God.

The Candy cane is a stick of hard white candy: white to symbolize the virgin birth and sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock the foundation of the church, and the firmness of God's promises.  The candy cane is in the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth.  It also represents the Good Shepard's crook, which he uses to reach down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray.  The original candy cane had three small red stripes, which are the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed, and a large red stripe that represents the shed blood of Jesus, so that we can have the promise of eternal life.
 
Wreath made of fresh, fragrant greenery tied with a bright red bow.  The bow reminds us of the bond of perfection, which is love.  The wreath embodies all the good things about Christmas for those with eyes to see and hearts to understand.  It contains the colors of red and green and the heaven-turned needles of the evergreen.  The bow tells the story of good will towards all and it's color reminds us of Christ's sacrifice.  Even it's shape is symbolic, representing eternity and the eternal nature of Christ's love.  It is a circle, without beginning and without end.

Struggles

They say that our struggles make us stronger.  Well if that is the case then I am getting stronger every day, because lately it feels like everything I touch is getting messed up.  But I know that something good will come of it.....It just takes time.

However I have finally gotten the help that I have asked for, and now this week I am going to have time for some other crafts and things that I want to do because my schedule just got a little less complicated.

Weekly Goals for 11/26/11-12/3/11

As I mentioned in the previous post, it is time to watch what I eat, and make some lifestyle changes.  So after having wrote down everything I ate for a week as far as calories, fat, cholesterol, sodium, carbs, and protein.  It became time to set some goals.

I found that my average number of

• Calories was  2049.91
• Fat was 59.76
• Cholesterol was 86.57
• Sodium was 2443.78
• Carbohydrates was 335.59
• Protein was 52.5

So my goals for this week are as follows:

1. Keep calories and sodium intake 2000 or below
2. Reduce carbs to 300
3. Eat fruit during each work day (5 days a week)
4. Eat grain bread instead of white
5. Drink 1 V8 during work days (5 days a week)

Skipped Thanksgiving

So I wouldn't be much of a blogger if I didn't make a Thanksgiving post.  But in reality I skipped Thanksgiving this year.  Mom and I got into a fight over something petty before dinner and I decided that I was not going to go and be angry and resentful because I had to be there, and I didn't want to be around my mother.

I was having mean and hateful thoughts about her.  So I stood my ground and decided to skip the family get-together.  It was very empowering.  I stayed home and had the house to myself and took a nap and then did some things on the computer.

The things I am thankful for, well today I chose to focus on the little things

• A day of not counting calories, nutritional information, etc.
• The taste of orange and pineapple cheesecake
• The taste of turkey and mashed potatoes and stuffing and corn
• Taking a nap
• And not having to participate in the family get-together
• Having support group tonight
• And the friends that helped me to get through today
• God and the gifts he brings, even in the bad times

Goals and new habits

So one of the blogs that I like to read called A Holy Experience, has some freebies on it, and one of the freebies is a 100 days Calendar, where you can make new habits and check them off everyday.  So for me my new habits are Time management skills, time with God, budgeting, and I added another one downtime.  I find that it is really helpful to keep me focused on what my goals are and making a conscious effort to work toward my goals.

Since I have found it to be so helpful I wanted to share it with you.  I would love to hear what your goals will be.  Leave me a comment and let me know.

Low Fat, Low Cholesterol Diet

I got the results of my lab work back this past week.  My cholesterol levels are extremely high.  So being as they are putting me on Crestor to control the cholesterol, I decided that I needed to start counting my calories, and carbs.  So I talked to a friend of mine and she agreed to help hold me accountable because it is something that she needs to do as well, not for her cholesterol, but just general health.  So starting today I am tallying the nutrition facts on all I eat, for 1 week just keeping up with how much I am taking in a day.  And then the following week trying to cut back to maintain within certain levels.

Anyone else interested in joining us on this, just let me know by leaving a comment and I can always do an accountability blog on Saturdays if anyone is interested.

I also would like to say I have found a website called sparkpeople that is a great place to track your intake online as opposed to by pen and paper if you would like to join in there.

The Healing of America

I am currently reading a book called The Healing of America by T.R. Reid, it is a book that discusses Americas Health Care System and compares it with the health care systems of other rich countries.  Our system comes up lacking.  In other countries, no one who is sick goes untreated, and everyone is treated the same.

I think that we have something to learn from these other countries, and cut health care costs and make sure that no one is left out, or dies for lack of health care.  I think it is a shame that a person who is sick and uninsured has to go without treatment in America, just because they can't afford to pay the medical bills, when in other countries, they would be treated irregardless of the cost.

Definitely an eye opening book.  I would  encourage you to check it out.

Words like Poison

"I hate you, I will dance at your funeral," the words spew from between my lips like black poison.  I know that they must be piercing to a mother's heart.

It started a few moments earlier, when in a moment of rudeness I interrupted her conversation with my sister to say something, probably something petty, as I can't recall now what it was I wanted to say.  Then her response, screaming at me something rude, and that followed by my comment.  And here we go again.  I say things that I shouldn't even be thinking, much less saying, and the blackness from within my heart pours out.

I must not be the Christian that I think I am because God's word says that if you can't love your brother whom you can see, then how can you love me whom you cannot see.  Then as I proceed about my night I wonder, am I truly a Christian? Do I really have God in me?  I know that He is disappointed, as she proceeds to tell me that I will get nowhere with God while acting this way.

Then I think about how much I hate being here, and the hate that is within my heart for her.  Hate that I shouldn't have.  I think, should she really be the one to die, or would it be better for it to be me.  My mind starts to go into the downward descent that I constantly struggle against, that threatens to swallow me every time this happens.  I hate fighting with her....but inevitably it always happens and I always say something mean and cold.  Then I wonder about my own faith, and my life, how can someone that everyone thinks is so nice, be so cruel.

I don't bother apologizing because we both know that it would be a lie.  Truth of the matter is that I do hate her, and I often wonder why I hate her so much, and why I can't seem to react better when she makes me mad.

The poison from within, it always seems to find it's way out, and I never seem to be in control of it where she is concerned.  Makes you wonder how I can be so nice to everyone else and then over petty things be pushed into something so ugly and black.  But it never fails to happen and it's a repeating pattern.

Change of Luck

In the last two weeks I have had a change of luck.  While going about the classes and my normal routine.  I have received two offers of places to live.  And I have had one job interview, and have another one tomorrow, for the same job.  So it looks like I may end the year with a job and a new place to live.

The job would be part time, and the place to live would be until I could get on with my own place.  The offers both have benefits and I am trying to decide between the two offers.  And moving would also give me the chance to start over with a clean room.  So I wouldn't have to deal with the mess I have now, although I would need to clean as I pack...because I don't want to move anything that I don't need.

Despising people

If I despise him, then it is quite certain that I think over much of myself.  ~Watchman Nee

According to the dictionary Despise means to regard with contempt, distaste, disgust, or disdain; scorn; loathe.


Well, reflecting on that statement, I must think over much of myself because I find that I am despising certain people in my family.  I am tired of being treated like I do not matter or that I am less than everyone else, while being accused of thinking that I am better than anyone else.

I'm doing my best to take classes to learn to deal with the depression and social anxiety (and possibly borderline personality disorder), and I'm accused of being selfish.  I'm trying to take care of me and keep from sliding down that ever slippery slope back into the pit, and people accuse me of being self centered...just trust God they say...or you should do this.  Not that I don't trust God but I don't need my relationship with God to be thrown in my face like some form of punishment.

I was even hoping to clean up my disaster area of a room this weekend and instead ended up getting into a fight with a certain family member about that because it makes trash to take to the dump.  With this particular person, one can never win.  So what to do?  I am looking for a job and have been since January, I have contacted Vocational Rehabilitation to see if they will help.  I'm also trying to figure out plans for moving out, but with the unemployment ending soon I don't see many options for that.

I find that I have lots of anger these days and I'm feeling some resentment about the way that things have worked out.  I know that there has to be a greater plan in play here.  But I'm not seeing it.  I have so many things that I want to post about, but I never seem to have the time for the blogs I keep anymore, or the crocheting that I am learning, or reading, or anything else for that matter.  So I am trying to cut back on my schedule and reduce the amount of time that I am in class and just make time for more enjoyment, but that also means more time at home with said relative.....so not sure how that will work out.  But as far as things go this year October has been a month of changes.....and maybe more to come.

Mental Illness Statistics

 
Brought to you by MSW@USC Masters in Social Work

Possible Change in Diagnosis

I don't believe that I have mentioned here yet that some of the recent therapists and psychiatrists and my peer helper have noticed some warning signs and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.  The therapists and psychiatrists felt that it was almost definitive.

I don't know a lot about it right now.  But I am not getting overly worried about it until I see what the Full Psychological Evaluation reveals that I am going to take at UNCG.  There is a 4 to 6 week waiting period. 

However, I believe that the new therapist that I have found will be able to do DBT which is what they treat BPD with.  I am trying to educate myself on the new potential diagnosis, but not worrying about the outcome, just waiting to see what the test reveals.  The results will clarify things with me, and I will know how to deal with it.

I look at it this way, knowledge is power.

Therapist Search is Over

I have finally found a new therapist that I am optimistic about and we seem to connect pretty well.  I am looking forward to learning with her and through her on how to better deal with my issues.

Rose Bush

Do you see the rose bush in bloom?
The bright red petals speaking of life
The thorns speaking of challenges
That rose to me represents life

The red for the blood that runs through our veins
Without which no life would remain
Do you see the thorns on the rose?
Thorns like the troubles  through which we go

The Rose, so vibrant, so strong, and in bloom
Much as we are when on the wings of our dreams
No matter the troubles that pull at the seams
Our life is vibrant and in bloom

Do you see how like the rose which survives through the seasons
We also survive despite all the reasons
We are at times fragile like the velvety petals
And yet we still manage to weather

Do you see that like the rose has its thorns
That we are also sharp and prickly
Like the thorns on the rose
We hurt those that try to get close

Do you see how we manage to survive
Like the seed beneath the winters cold ground
Appearing dead to those around
And yet each spring the seed bursts forth into new life

Do you see how we renew our lives
As we come back from our troubles
We grow and blossom and burst forth like new
Can you see how that is true of me and you

Like the beautiful vibrant rose
Which blossoms as it grows
We also blossom and burst forth anew
And stronger because of what we go through

Embarking on the Journey

As I embark
On this life's journey through the dark
And dreary landscape of my mind
Never knowing what I'll find
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

I need that security
In all of life's uncertainty
Don't let go or let me fall
As I attempt to give this life my all
Hold my hand, please hold my hand
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

As I travel across this land
Trying to live a life that's not bland
Doing the best that I can
Trying not to lose the plan
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

My mind can be a scary place
As I try to find my way through this rat race
Trying to navigate life's pits
And knowing that I just quite don't fit
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

The landscape of my mind is ever changing
And I'm forever rearranging
My life's priorities
And realities
Trying to find what's really me
Checking all that I see
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

Don't ever let go
I need the security to know
That you have a hold of me
Even when I fail to see
Your presence is all around
Even when I feel I'm headed toward the ground
Hold my hand, please hold my hand
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

I know that you are always with me
And your truths are my reality
Help me not to doubt in me
But to trust in the things that I can't see
Becoming who you want me to be
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

I often get so weary
And at times very teary
As I struggle with my mind and the lies
Sometimes I even think I want to die
So Hold my hand, please hold my hand

Don't let go and let me fall
For when I have given it my all
I get exhausted and need to rest
Living within your love and tenderness
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

And help me find the strength to stand
And I will stand with you hand in hand
As I walk through this world
Learning how to navigate with you by my side
Hold my hand, please hold my hand

As I embark on your purpose for my life
Learning to live above the strife
Trusting in you to be enough
I learn to live within your love
Hold my hand, please hold my hand
Hold my hand, please hold my hand.
 

Leaves

As the tree drops its leaves
Blowing on the breeze
The babies flutter around
Making little sound
Once green and full of life
Now multicolored and letting go of life
The leaves look back on memories
Memories of times past when people would sit and rest
Resting from the days activities
The leaves would offer shade
And respite from heat
Protection from falling raindrops
And the leaves think back
And recall all the people tall and small
Those that cried beneath the tree
Those that laughed and were full of glee
The leaves have great memories
They have seen life and death
And every time people bereft
The leaves release their hold of life
And drop, dropping to the ground
Barely making any sound
Covering the forest floor
Knowing that life is no more
But also knowing they will fertilize the land
And be raked up by loving hands
Used to create great piles
Where children can jump and play all day
The colors vibrant and bright
Bringing the forest to light
All the many leaves
They enjoy the final part of their journey
Knowing that in the spring
The cycle begins all over again
The leaves come to rest
Knowing that they have fulfilled their purpose
May we only be like the leaves
And bring about the end of our journey with peace
And great memories
Of a life fulfilled
And fully lived
The leaves don't question their purpose or ponder why
They just live their lives as time passes by
Enjoying each new day
Knowing it as simply a stop among the way
No worries, no troubles
There is much to be learned from the leaves
How they reach to the sky
Stretching high, basking in the warmth of the sun
Yet turning as the wind and rains come
Yet still holding strong
And knowing their purpose
Should we only remain that strong
Knowing how to blow with the wind
Through the storms of this life
And let go of all the negativity and strife
Remaining true to our purpose
Those are the lessons we could learn from the leaves.

The Eight Dimensions of Wellness

I found this on the website http://www.promoteacceptance.samhsa.gov/10by10/default.aspx, and I wanted to share with everyone.

 

The Eight Dimensions of Wellness²

Wellness means overall well-being. It incorporates the mental, emotional, physical, occupational, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of a person's life. Each aspect of wellness can affect overall quality of life, so it is important to consider all aspects of health. This is especially important for people with mental and substance use disorders because wellness directly relates to the quality and longevity of your life.

Social - developing a sense of connection and a well-developed support system

Physical - recognizing the need for physical activity, diet, sleep, and nutrition while discouraging the use of tobacco, drugs, and excessive alcohol consumption

Emotional - developing skills and strategies to cope effectively with stress, challenges, and conflict

Spiritual - searching for meaning and purpose in human existence

Occupational - deriving personal satisfaction and enrichment from one's work

Intellectual - recognizing creative abilities and finding ways to expand knowledge and skills

Environmental - fostering good health by occupying pleasant, stimulating environments that support well-being

Financial - feeling satisfied with current and foreseeable future financial situation

²Swarbrick, M. (2006). A wellness approach. Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 29,(4) 311- 314.

Free Things to do in Greensboro

Some free things to do in Greensboro include Fitness by the Fountain at Center City Park in Greensboro.

Center City Park Seasonal Events
May - October

New! A Series of Fortunate Events
Various Fridays/Saturdays
7-10pm
Free!

September 3 Artists Alive with Wesley Williams/Urban Dance Theater
September 9 House of Dues
September 17 benj-o-matic
September 23 Line Dance Party with Think Fit Foundation
September 30 Bryan "Songbear" Smith and Andrea Reese
October 8 TBA

Fitness by the Fountain
Mondays & Wednesdays
6-7pm
Free!

Just bring yourself, comfortable attire and a water bottle
(*a mat is needed where indicated)!
No prior experience is needed for any FBTF class.

September 12 Funk Aerobics w/Tina Yarborough-Liggins
September 14 T'ai Chi Ch'uan w/Eric Reiss
September 19 Masala Bhangra w/Cortney Wilson
September 21 Zumba w/Beth McKinney/YMCA
September 26 Belly Dancing w/Faun Finley
September 28 Boot Camp w/Sean Wells

October 3 *Yoga w/ Abby Feinstein
October 5 African Dance w/Wesley Williams

Join us for free movie nights in the Park! Every third Friday from May - September, there will be a different family-friendly movie. The screen is bigger this year, and the movie start time has been moved later so it will be dark. Bring family, friends, blankets or lawn chairs, and spare change to buy popcorn and candy!

Third Friday of the month
8:30pm
Free!

September 16 We Are Marshall

Center City Cinema is sponsored in part by Friends of Center City Park.

Friday Night Live
First Friday
7-10pm
Free!

In collaboration with First Friday,
Center City Park livens up the heart of downtown
with local music and local wines.

October 7
7 - 8:15pm The Family
8:45 - 10pm Twin City Buskers

Friday Night Live is sponsored in part by and

Tunes @ Noon
Wednesdays 12-1:30pm
Free!

Every Wednesday, Center City Park provides free live music during lunchtime. Bring your lunch, kick back and relax to some cool tunes with some of the Triad's best artists!

September 14 Lauren Light
September 21 Martha Bassett Band
September 28 Warren Bodle & Allen

October 5 Sam Frazier

Therapist Search Continues

Met the new therapist yesterday and had what I thought was a good appointment just for her to tell me that she was very practical and looked at the big picture and she didn't see how I could afford her, that I should either consider seeing the intern, which is cheaper, or look somewhere else for therapy where I could get therapy and medication management at the same time.

So the search for a new therapist continues.....I have found that UNCG offers full psychiatric evaluations, and they offer therapy and medication management on an income based level, but I am not sure exactly what that cost will be yet.

I've never had a psychiatric evaluation, but I figure that could help me better get the treatment that I require to get better.

Life and rejection

I may have mentioned that I am taking classes at the Mental Health Association in Greensboro.  Well I've met a lot of great people there.  And recently there was one that I really became rather close to.  I found out today that she doesn't want me to be her friend anymore.  No calls, No texts, no emails.  Needless to say I am feeling very rejected and hurt by this.

My peer support person says that its not my fault that I was never taught healthy boundaries.  But at the same time has said that with the emails and texts that I am overwhelming people and suffocating them.  She said that I have a root of rejection and at the core I feel unworthy and therefore that is why I am having problems keeping friends.

I don't know about all that.  I just know that I am feeling very hurt and vulnerable, and that I feel like my safe place is no longer as safe or comfortable as it was if I have to deal with facing rejection whenever I walk through the doors.

Knowing that through the other side of these things are growth and learning.  But hating that life has to hurt so very badly, and that the only way out is through.

If

In support group today we read a poem from a book called "100 Poems to Lift your Spirit".  I liked it so much that I wanted to share.


If


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, not talk to wise:


If you can dream-and not make dreams your master,
If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch and toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold On!"


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings-nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And-which is more-you'll be a Man, my son!


~Rudyard Kipling
(1865-1936)

Personal Bill of Rights

1. I have the right to ask for what I want
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can't meet
3. I have the right to change my mind
4. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect
5. I have the right to follow my own values and standards
6. I have the right to express all of my feelings, both positive and negative, in a manner that will not harm others
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others' behavior, actions, feelings or problems
10. I have the right to expect honest from others.
11. I have the right to feel angry at someone I love and to express this in a responsible manner
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself
13. I have the right to feel scared and say "I'm afraid."
14. I have the right to say "I don't know."
15. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings, beliefs, and values
16. I have the right to my own reality.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthy.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to grieve.
26. I have the right to a fulfilling sex life.
27. I have the right to be happy.

(Adapted by Mary Ellen Copeland from the anxiety and phobia workbook, Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D., 1990, New harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA.)

Positive Path

Taking baby-steps down MY path.  Since it is owned by me and is what I want it to be and need it to be, it is entirely created by ME.  It is my personal duty to create a POSITIVE path because I love myself, I love God, I love my family, I love others, I love my planet earth and I am strengthened and filled completely with power and hope when I create MY POSITIVE PATH.  When I use baby-steps I make very small movements which don't seem very important.  But when I take SMALL POSITIVE BABY STEPS  I realize and discover that I HAVE CHANGED AND IMPROVED THE FAITH AND POWER THAT I AM MINDFULLY PLACING INTO MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.  I am not saying I don't need others to have fun with and to get help from.  They can always help me to gain more faith (that things will get better) and power (in my body-my heart-my mind-my relationships).  I need to TAKE CHARGE of what I CAN CONTROL.  I need to CREATE MY POSITIVE PATH EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE.  THIS IS MY GOAL AND MY NEED.  I CONGRATULATE MYSELF FOR MY GIFTS AND SKILLS OF FAITH AND PERSONAL POWER.

~Author Unknown
Inspired by Clyde

Five Rules of Rational Thinking

1. My thoughts are based on facts/reality
2. My thoughts keep ME out of conflicts with others
3. My thoughts motivate ME towards my goals
4. My thoughts protect MY life and health
5. My thoughts make ME feel good.

My Psychologist Again

So I decided after much thought, that I would have to replace my old therapist with someone new.  I really had mixed feelings about this because she was such a great person and we have had two great years together.  But after what happened the last time I went by the office I felt that I really needed to find someone else.  I just felt that things weren't being handled professionally, and that I was no longer valued as a patient and a person.  While I will miss her in my life....I had to really work hard to realize that I had to do what was necessary to get the best care for myself.

My psychologist

I have an amazing psychologist, she has saved my life twice.  But lately I fear that she is invalidating my concerns and isn't being as helpful as she has been in the past.  After being in the hospital once and almost going back in again this year.  I came to rely really heavily on my psychologist and started emailing her a lot.  So then she has a personal issue and asks me to stop the emails.  I initially had a hard time accepting that and felt rejected.

Then in my distorted thinking I began feeling like she was judging me and not being totally supportive, but that she thought my problems were petty compared to other people's problems.  This also stemmed from the fact that she cancelled an appointment using the excuse that she had another client in crisis that she needed to see.

Well at the next appointment we discussed these feelings and how I felt about it.  Then we kind of stopped the emailing, except for what I sent her so she would have for the next session, just in case I forgot to bring my notebook.

Well then we ran into a family problem and I forgot and emailed her about it...and we ended up spending the last appointment talking about it and my reaction to it.  Well then later after the appointment I found out some more bad news and I called her office and left a message, after not receiving a call back, I emailed her about it....I had to wait all weekend for a response....when I got a response late on Monday, it was basically along the lines of "this isn't a big deal, don't worry about it."

Well seriously this is a big deal and then I felt bad and invalidated because of her reaction to my email, and the lack of a return phone call.  I feel like lately that she has been invalidating my concerns a lot.  I'm worried that I may have to find another therapist. 

I emailed her on Tuesday, basically telling her how I feel and asking if she is going to be able to help me in my self discovery/recovery or if I am going to have to find someone new to see.  She still hasn't returned my email.  Now I am concerned that instead of seeing me being assertive about the quality of care I am receiving that she is going to feel hurt, and just say that she is going to refuse to see me anymore.

Safe Coping Skills

I have mentioned before that I am attending classes at the Mental Health Association of Greensboro, one of the classes right now is on safe coping skills.  I am going to list here ones that we were provided today in class.  I have highlighted the ones that seemed important and stuck out to me.

1. Ask for help~Reach out to someone safe
2. Inspire Yourself~Carry something positive (poem), or negative (photo of a friend who overdosed)
3. Leave a Bad scene~When things go wrong, get out
4. Persist~never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up
5. Honesty~Secrets and lying are at the core of PTSD and substance abuse; honesty heals them
6. Cry~Let yourself cry; it will not last forever
7. Choose self-respect~Choose whatever will make you like yourself tomorrow
8. Take Good care of your body~eat right, exercise, sleep, safe sex
9. List your Options~In any situation, you have choices
10. Create Meaning~Remind yourself what you are living for:  your children? love? truth? justice? God?
11. Do The Best you can with what you have~Make the most of available opportunities
12. Set a Boundary~Say "No" to protect yourself
13. Compassion~Listen to yourself with respect and Care
14. When in doubt, do what's hardest~The most difficult path is invariably the right one
15. Talk yourself through it~self talk helps in difficult times
16. Imagine~Create a mental picture that helps you feel different (remember a safe place)
17. Notice the choice point~In slow motion, notice the exact moment when you chose a substance
18. Pace Yourself~If overwhelmed, go slower; if stagnant, go faster
19. Stay Safe~Do whatever you need to do to put your safety above all
20. Seek Understanding, not blame~Listen to your behavior; blaming prevents growth
21. If one way doesn't work, try another~As if in a maze, turn a corner and try a new path
22. Link PTSD and substance abuse~recognize substances as an attempt to self-medicate
23. Alone is better than a bad relationship~If only treaters are safe for now, that's ok
24. Create a new story~You are the author of your life; be the hero who overcomes adversity
25.  Avoid Avoidable Suffering~Prevent bad situations in advance
26. Ask Others~Ask others if your belief is accurate
27. Get Organized~You'll feel more in control with lists, "to-do's" and a clean house
28. Watch for Danger Signs~Face a problem before it becomes huge; notice red flags
29. Healing Above All~Focus on what matters
30. Try something, Anything~A good plan today is better than a perfect one tomorrow
31. Discovery~Find out whether your assumption is true rather that staying "in your head"
32. Attend Treatment~A.A., self-help, therapy, medications, groups~anything that keeps you going.
33. Create a buffer~Put something between you and danger (time, distance)
34. Say what you really think~You'll feel closer to others (but only do this with safe people)
35. Listen to your needs~No more neglect-really hear what you need
36. Move Toward your Opposite~(example: if you are too dependant, try being more independent
37. Replay the scene~Review a negative event: what can you do differently next time?
38. Notice the cost~What is the price of substance abuse in your life?
39. Structure your day~a productive schedule keeps you on track and connected to the world
40. Set an action plan~Be specific, set a deadline, and let others know about it
41. Protect Yourself~Put up a shield against destructive people, bad environments, and substances
42. Soothing Talk~Talk to yourself very gently (as if to a friend or small child)
43. Think of the consequences~Really see the impact for tomorrow, next week, next year
44. Trust the process~Just keep moving forward; the only way out is through
45. Work the material~The more you practice and participate, the quicker the healing
46. Integrate the split self~Accept all sides of yourself; they are there for a reason
47. Expect growth to feel uncomfortable~if it feels awkward or difficult you're doing it right
48. Replace destructive activities~Eat candy instead of getting high
49. Pretend you like yourself~see how different the day feels
50. Focus on Now~Do what you can to make today better; don't get overwhelmed by the past or future
51. Praise Yourself~Notice what you did right; this is the most powerful method of growth
52. Observe repeating patterns~Try to notice and understand your re-enactments
53. Self-nurture~Do something you enjoy
54. Practice Delay~If you can't totally prevent a self destructive act, at least delay it as long as possible
55. Let Go of Destructive relationships~If it can't be fixed, detach
56. Take Responsibility~Take an active, not a passive approach
57. Set a deadline~Make it happen by setting a date
58. Make a commitment~Promise yourself to do what's right to help your recovery
59. Rethink~Think in a way that helps you feel better
60. Detach from emotional pain (grounding)~Distract, walk away, change the channel
61. Learn from experience~Seek wisdom that can help you next time
62. Solve the problem~Don't take it personally when things go wrong~try to just seek a solution
63. Use kinder language~Make your language less harsh
64. Examine the evidence~Evaluate both sides of the picture
65. Plan it out~Take the time to think ahead-it's the opposite of impulsivity
66. Identify the belief~For example, shoulds, deprivation reasoning
67. Reward Yourself~Find a healthy way to celebrate anything you do right
68. Create new "tapes"~Literally! Take a tape recorder and record a new way of thinking to play back
69. Find rules to live by~Remember a phrase that works for you (ex:stay real)
70. Setbacks are not failures~a setback is just a setback, nothing more
71. Tolerate the feeling~"No feeling is final", just get through it safely
72. Actions first and feelings will follow~Don't wait until you feel motivated; just start now
73. Create positive addictions~sports, hobbies, AA
74. When in doubt, don't~If you suspect danger, stay away
75. Fight the trigger~Take an active approach to protect yourself
76. Notice the source~Before you accept criticism or advice, notice who's telling it to you
77. Make a decision~If you're stuck, try choosing the best solution you can right now; don't wait
78. Do the right thing~Do what you know will help you, even if you don't feel like it
79. Go to a meeting~Feet first; just get there and let the rest happen
80. Protect your body from HIV~This is truly a life or death issue
81. Prioritize healing~Make healing your most urgent and important goal, above all else
82. Reach for Community Resources~Lean on them!  They can be a source of great support
83. Get others to support your recovery~Tell People what you need
84. Notice what you can control~List the aspects of your life you do control (ex:job, friends)

How are you blind to the things in this life?

I asked you yesterday how you were blind to the things of this life. I promised to post mine so here it is.

I would say I am blind when I get caught in the daily grind and forget to stop and see the many gifts of others and myself. Blind when I fail to notice my many blessings. Blind to the truth when I get caught in the tangled thoughts of my distorted mind. Blind when I fail to look at my niece and don't notice the pure innocence of childhood. Or when I fail to take time to engage in play for a few moments with the puppy.

Blind when I am so wrapped up in myself that I see nothing else. Not seeing or caring about the people around me, missing the gift of having each one in my life.

Blind when I fail to see God's hand at work in my life through the many daily gifts that he presents to me, such as the beauty of nature.

But I am not blind when I intentionally and on purpose look for the things that I would otherwise fail to notice in the rush of life. Savoring every second, every moment, and not rushing headlong to the next thing.

Simply noticing. Simply being. Totally engaged. Receiving many blessings when I am not blind to see them.

I become blind when I become self absorbed, and nothing else matters. But when I look beyond me, I find that then is when I can truly see.

Truly seeing opens up a whole new world to explore, and allows me to truly be thankful for all things.

Then I am not blind.

Sandals

In my creative writing class today at the Mental Health Association, we were provided pictures and asked to write on those pictures, mine was sandals.




Walking along the beach in a yellow sundress and my new yellow sandals. I enjoy the feel of the sand as it gets on my feet, the breeze in the air. Listening to the waves crash upon the beach.

The sandals leave me feeling special, and yet revealed. I generally keep my feet covered. I guess much as I keep my real self covered, hiding it from the real world.

The sandals leave my feet open and vulnerable as I leave myself when I chance to drop the walls around me and let others in to see the real me.

The sandals are pretty and fashionable, as some would say about me, but I feel more comfortable in sneakers, being covered and safer from things that could hurt me, much like I prefer to hide behind my walls.

But I leave the comfort behind and wear the sandals leaving myself open much as I am doing as I learn to open myself up to others.

How are you blind to the things in this life?

In a devotional yesterday I received the following:

Beautiful Friendship Flower - Poem

The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read

Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree.
Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,

For the world was intent on dragging me down.

And if that weren't enough to ruin my day,

A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play.

He stood right before me with his head tilted down
And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!"

In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight,
With its petals all worn - too little rain, too little light.
Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play,

I faked a small smile and then shifted away.

But instead of retreating he sat next to my side
And placed the flower to his nose and declared with surprise,
"It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too.

That's why I picked it; here - it's for you."

The weed before me was dying or dead,
Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or red.

But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave.

So I reached for the flower, and replied, "Just what I need."

But instead of him placing the flower in my hand,

He held it midair without reason or plan.

It was then that I noticed for the very first time

That weed-toting boy could not see; he was blind.

I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun
As I thanked him for picking the very best one.

"You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play,
Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day.

I sat there and wondered how he managed to see

A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree.

How did he know of my self-indulged plight?
Perhaps from his heart, ... blessed with true sight.

Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see

The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself had been blind,
I vowed to see the beauty in life, and appreciate every second that's mine.

And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose

And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose

And smiled as I watched that young boy, another weed in his hand
About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This made me think and I want to ask How are you blind to the things in this life?

We used this as a prompt for creative writing today and I will post mine later.......tell me what it makes you think.

Where would I be?

Where would I be if I were not diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder. I would like to think I would be in a better place, but in all honesty I know that when undiagnosed....I had no motivation or will to do anything, so I guess I would be still in the same place physically. But I would have missed the journey that I am currently on to find myself and to find greater meaning in my life. I would not be as compassionate and understanding to the needs of others. I would not be engaging in the quest to discover what makes me tick, and in that getting in touch with my true self. The self I wouldn't have found without taking an honest look at me. I have not completed the journey, but I am on my way.

Check out The 7-day Doubt Diet

Check out The 7-day Doubt Diet