It started a few moments earlier, when in a moment of rudeness I interrupted her conversation with my sister to say something, probably something petty, as I can't recall now what it was I wanted to say. Then her response, screaming at me something rude, and that followed by my comment. And here we go again. I say things that I shouldn't even be thinking, much less saying, and the blackness from within my heart pours out.
I must not be the Christian that I think I am because God's word says that if you can't love your brother whom you can see, then how can you love me whom you cannot see. Then as I proceed about my night I wonder, am I truly a Christian? Do I really have God in me? I know that He is disappointed, as she proceeds to tell me that I will get nowhere with God while acting this way.
Then I think about how much I hate being here, and the hate that is within my heart for her. Hate that I shouldn't have. I think, should she really be the one to die, or would it be better for it to be me. My mind starts to go into the downward descent that I constantly struggle against, that threatens to swallow me every time this happens. I hate fighting with her....but inevitably it always happens and I always say something mean and cold. Then I wonder about my own faith, and my life, how can someone that everyone thinks is so nice, be so cruel.
I don't bother apologizing because we both know that it would be a lie. Truth of the matter is that I do hate her, and I often wonder why I hate her so much, and why I can't seem to react better when she makes me mad.
The poison from within, it always seems to find it's way out, and I never seem to be in control of it where she is concerned. Makes you wonder how I can be so nice to everyone else and then over petty things be pushed into something so ugly and black. But it never fails to happen and it's a repeating pattern.
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