Yeah, I realized something last night and this morning and that is that I really don't know how to be loved and be 100% comfortable with it. Instead I feel myself struggling not to pull back from it and pretend that things are ok so that no one will worry. I tend to be more private and prefer not to share my struggles with everyone and right now a lot of people know and that makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and needy.

But I am determined that I am going to learn to live loved and accept this and not feel bad for it. That's what friends and the church family is supposed to be for. It just feels really weird to me right now and somewhat uncomfortable, and instinctively I'm wanting to pull away and hide.

1st Psychologist Appt

Ok well, I just came back from my first appt. It was different, we covered some background information, as far as who I've seen before-what I liked and what I didn't, what worked and what didn't. What did depression look like to me? The social anxiety, worries, etc., She has said that she gets the impression that I worry about everything, and that worries are always in my mind somewhere. The depression is really bad right now, but that I seem to cope ok with it. The fact that I live at home, sparked a lot of attention and interest. We jumped around a lot. She ended the meeting with saying that we need to work on some coping skills for worries, thoughts(positive thinking), that I needed to break some habits and behaviors and replace with others, as well as some other issues, and that we would get into more detail as we go along. By the next appointment I think she is wanting to have some "therapy goals" that we are to work toward...that she comes up with based on this appt and then we discuss and fine tune together as far as a plan of treatment.

Now she doesn't do meds, but she did request my permission to contact my doctor and recommend some meds and stay in touch with her on the meds that I do get. She also said that I'm not on any meds to help control the worries or anything right now.

We touched on the self-sabotage thing and the lack of sleep, she also mentioned something that I hadn't really thought of that I thought you would both find interesting. That was the question of do I self-sabotage my relationships?? I hadn't exactly thought of it before like that, but I guess in a way I do. That got me to thinking.

She seems to be very bright and attentive. She's already mentioned how I never seem to stop scanning my environment, asked several questions about how social anxiety has affected my life and how my anxiety attacks seem to hit. We briefly discussed suicide, and how I'm not suicidal although have had the thoughts in the past....she also told me that she figured that I would not be one to tell if I was thinking like that, that I would just do it. She seems to have me pegged to a point....in a way that's reassuring.....in a way unsettling. She questioned my social life, we discussed my inability or uncomfortability to call friends at home and my concerns about being a bother or disrupting others lives. We discussed that I e-mail a lot, and that it was easier than talking for me. We discussed that I don't generally go out with friends and that when I do I'm not always comfortable. She said that I present myself as rather well put together. We also discussed that I am very private and hard to get to know, and how it took Nancy six months of living with me before she could see "behind the mask". The doctor liked that phrase. She also realizes that even though she told me that she was the one person who I would never have to worry about hurting her feelings, or making her mad....that I'm still going to be trying to make sure that I meet whatever expectations that I perceive that she has of me. She even told me that this would be a struggle for me, to grasp that idea and get comfortable with it. So I'm hopeful that things will work out well with her.

I have another appointment on March 11, that was the next opening that I could do to fit my time. But afterwards we should get to something more regular I think.

Self-sabotage

I have a problem with self-destructive/self-sabotaging behaviors that I seem to have no control over. For me this often comes in the form of usually doing something to hurt my job, with the final end result being ending up unemployed. I have seen this pattern unfold many times in the last 4 years, and have yet to find a way to stop it. In the past I have subconsciously, made myself physically sick where I was unable to work. With my current job I am seeing the pattern again, only this time instead of becoming physically sick, I am simply falling asleep at work, and I seem to have no way of truly keeping myself awake. If I ever get caught I will lose my job and I know this....I even fell asleep sitting at the table the other night. Right now I do work nights, but the self destructive behaviors come no matter what time of day I work, so that hasn't seemed to make a difference.

I know that I tend to do this around every 6 months or when I become extremely depressed. But the job thing happens about every 6 months and I am coming up soon on 6 months. :( I love this job and do not want to mess it up. Most people misunderstand and think that I do these things on purpose or that I am simply being lazy, but this is soooo not the case.

"Please Hear What I Am NOT Saying"

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Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled within me as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.... My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever varying and ever concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.... A nonchalant, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation.... My only salvation. And I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by LOVE.

It's the only think that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison wall; from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only think that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I am really something. But I don't tell you this, I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and I'm just no good and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a façade of assurance without, and with a trembling child within.

And so, begins my parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks. My life becomes a front. I wildly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is nothing and nothing that is everything, of what's crying inside me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly, I dislike the superficial game I am playing, the superficial phony. I'd like to be really genuine and spontaneous even what that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow with wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and compassion and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that, I want you to know how important you are to me.... How you can be the creator of the person that is in me if you choose to.... Pleas choose....

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble; you alone can remove the mask; you alone can release me from my lonely prison. So do not pass me by. Please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. My long held conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I might strike back. It's irrational, but despite what books say about a person, I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies hope. MY ONLY HOPE. Please try to beat down my wall with a firm hand, but gentle hands.... For a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I AM EVERY MAN AND WOMAN YOU MEET. I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

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My Mask

My mask is a smiling face, that everyone thinks is beautiful, and everyone believes that I am so very, very happy and full of life. Very few people believe I even suffer from depression and no one sees the real pain that is hidden inside. I pretend to be strong, and pretend to be outgoing, and everyone who doesn't know me believes it. Which makes it harder for those who do know me well and know about the social anxiety to understand my many faces.

Sometimes I wonder who I really am behind all the masks....sometimes I feel I don't even know the real me from the fake me.

What does "Normal" feel like?

Normal for me has never ever been normal for everyone else. Even in my "normal" I am wierd..keep to myself, a bookworm, but will talk the few friends I have to death, sometimes in person...I don't do phone calls, often. Email minimally, not bunches to the same people in the course of a day. Feeling relaxed, as much as I ever have. Happy, no depression or anxious thoughts, minimal worry about things that may or may not happen. Comfortable with my friends at church, without second guessing whether they really care or whether I really belong. They make it clear that I do, although I am always second-guessing where I stand. Working, being productive, without being so overly sensitive to criticism that even my boss calling sends me into a panic and anything she says brings me to tears. I have an easy job it shouldn't be like that....but I have major problems with people in authority intimidating me. Not thinking about how I don't fit in and simply accepting that I do...for at least a few minutes.

Sorry I guess I got to rambling....it's just when I think of normal, I can't help but see how abnormal I really am.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

Most of the time, although my church family is always trying to tell me otherwise. I definitely don't feel that I belong to my biological family. But then one of my biggest problems is my own lack of self-worth. I figure I'm not that fond of myself, why should anyone else be. Also if my own family can reject me on so many levels what would keep others from doing the same.

{not that my family has totally rejected me---I've had to move back in with my mom so I am there however....there is no emotional support, just financial support...but no one in my family really gets me}

What does depression feel like?

It simply hurts...until you can't feel anything but the pain. It hurts worse when you are made aware that by hurting you are hurting the ones who love you, because then you get to add guilt to already feeling bad. Then you either can't sleep or you sleep too much and so either way your more sluggish then you were already...and nothing seem to really lift the cloud that you seem to be under, at least not for more than a minute or two. Then if you are like me somehow you find a way to feel guilty for even having it lift for that minute knowing that others are hurting and scared for you and you try to find a way to make it better for them....not even for yourself, because yourself doesn't really count.

Giving In but not giving up

Well, finally the side effects from the Wellbutrin have left my system. I no longer feel so hyper sensitive to everything. I've yet to really start feeling the effects of the prozac yet though with the exception of the itching is gone. I'm still not sleeping as I should be and I am fighting sleeping at work at night and only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a day, on the days I work. But then I know that is a part of my self-destructive behaviors kicking in.

I also find that right now I am extremely sensitive to rejection. I'm constantly waiting on my friends to get fed up and wash their hands of me. But on another note I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow morning. So I'm hoping that will shed some light on these behaviors.

I Will

I am so messed up. Why must I always see myself as being so very bad? Why can't I ever see myself as being good?? It's like I jumped on this mess and now I am writing off a normal life. This isn't how it works, it's not how it is supposed to be!! The medicines will start to work, I will start to feel better and not worse, I will begin to have a life outside of this house, outside of this job, and outside of church, I will learn to hang out with friends and not feel like I am bothering them, I will learn not to always hide behind written words, I will learn to pick up the phone and give someone a call before sending an e-mail. I'm going to find out what a normal life is, I don't think I've even begun to live it, not with these problems of mine, I shouldn't be so consumed with what others think, it is irrational, and it is part of my problem, but it doesn't define me. I will get it back together and I will continue on with the plans I have made. I can and will live a productive life. I will not always live here with my mom, I will not give up on myself, I will not become the person everyone avoids because of her problems, I will not live barely surviving each day, week, month. I will pull through...I'm not alone, God will help me and make me stronger, make me whole. I have friends who care so very much and that's more than some people have. I will hold on, and I will beat this, and I will not let it make me think less of myself. I will get up and get dressed every single day and stop staying in Pj's all day, I will go out and do the things I need to do, I will keep talking and writing and praying for God to give me strength. I will learn to stand strong and know that I am not a bad person. I will learn to think right thoughts. I will make it, somehow, someway, no matter how it feels right now!

It's not by accident

I found this reminder the other day in my devotional and thought that it was more than worthy of sharing and it applies to us all. Not to mention it was perfect for this place that I am currently in. "Where you are today is no accident." No matter what you are facing right now, no matter how bad it is, God already knew it was coming and God is there holding you up. He has a plan for your life (and mine) and all the problems we are facing, well that is part of the journey. But he has prepared provisions for us in our time of need, and will surround us with support if we will allow him to.

Called the doc

I called the doctor about the way the meds were making me feel more panicky and jittery. My doctor was out of the office and so her husband, also the other doc called me back. He made me feel like it was a major inconvenience to do so and then he wanted me to tell him which med was causing it. As if I would know. So then he looked and told me to stop taking the wellbutrin and that they would see me in a month.

But now I feel bad because I called. :(

LATER: I am so hypersensitive and aware of everything now....that even the silence makes noise. It's strange, weird. I'll be glad when this gets out of my system. My hearing is usually not great and now I can hear all the little things that I don't normally hear or notice.

2/2/09

So tonight I started getting panicky and shaky again. I'm not sure why, because I did not even have to leave the house. I'm wondering if it is a side effect of the meds. Sometimes the side effects wear off after a couple of weeks. Otherwise I'm going to have to contact my doctor and see if she can put me on something else. It's really annoying because it's like my fight or flight response has went into overdrive and it takes hours before my body goes back to normal. It's a hard feeling to have...like your whole body is on hyper-alert. I'm hoping it passes soon. It doesn't make sense to me since I was on the same meds the last time and I don't remember having this reaction.

January 31st, 2009

I started out the day feeling on top of the world. No real reason for this feeling other than the first night I slept more than 4 hours all week. Felt like I could tackle anything....instead I sat at the computer and did not run to the store like I should have. I was too busy on the PLM site.

Tonight about 6'o clock I started feeling real panicky and shaky. Visibly shaking by the time I got to work. I haven't seen that in awhile, I'm wondering if it is my problem since it's worsened this week or a side effect to the meds. The shaking seemed internal as well as external. Have no real idea what triggered it or why it started suddenly with no warning like that. Nothing really going on to warrant that kind of a reaction.