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1st night 3-11-09
Still not sure how the one hour appt with the psychologist managed to run from 3pm until 6:30. Upset I leave the office and headed to church, at church talked to my friends and they brought me here. Barely slept, have an emotional headache. Wondering how all this works.
1st day 3-12-09
Tired. A little nervous. Peaceful. Not sure about point yet as I'm still waiting to see the Doc. But feeling ok. Not thinking about a whole lot.
Met the doctor....still no opinion. Medication has been upped and abilify has been added. I'll be here a minimum of 5 days. So far it seems pretty boring and traumatic. Wondering about how to know when groups are scheduled. Must ask questions about that. Doctor did not say much ...have not heard from therapist. Hoping to do some in depth group/individual work. I'm bored. What was my friends question from yesterday....What would I look like minus the junk? Who would I be? Who do I want to be?
Eyes on the goal. Secure with myself. Paying less attention to others opinions. Learning to take better care of me for me. Glorifying God. Better Healthier emotions.
Night
Talked to a few people about incest and trust issues. Still a major problem....still upset. Angry. Need to speak with Dr. Giarmo (my psychologist, who sent me here). Shaking. Crying.
3/13/09 Day
More productive so far. Heard from Angela & Nancy. Nancy said mom is freaking out. Talked to 2 different therapists this morning. Talked about past problems, current issues, goals...therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, positive affirmations..self esteem, saw doctor again today. Nurse took blood to run tests on thyroid and lab work.
Therapist wants me to list 5 positive things about myself. They all want me to see a psychiatrist. I was better off before mom was freaking out. I didn't want to think about that.
How will I pay for that? What will I do about mom? She's not supposed to be freaking out on me while I'm here.
Night
Talked to therapist again. She was supposed to call my mom...hasn't yet. Wanted to discuss my situation with finances and worries about mom. Mom said my boss said not to worry about my job. Still not sure what I will be facing upon my return. Don't want to really think about that now. I want caffeine. Been an emotional day for me.
3/14/09 Day & Night
Bored. Tired. Annoyed. Upset, worried. Talked to Angela & Veneda & Mom. Another friend is asking about me. Gave Angela permission to share with her.
Thought about hurting myself at dinner. Tried to talk to therapist but she was getting ready to leave and wouldn't talk to me. The thought of leaving on Monday is freaking me out. I don't feel ready to deal with the real world at all. I want to leave but I know that I'm not ready. I'm scared to leave. Scared that I'm not getting the help that I need. Wondering why Dr. Giarmo put me here. I hate this place...no one cares and everyone gets upset, they almost would not give me the number for Dr. Giarmo. I think I'm gonna call her tomorrow, & see what she can do, about helping me. I'm having thoughts about hurting myself...why? To get attention or help? I hate this getting worse not better. Why would I do this? The people supposed to be helping are not....coloring isn't helping....thinking I should transfer to somewhere else.
3/15/09 Day
Tired, emotional, no energy. In group had to admit to having no trust and not being able to accept love from anyone. Not being sociable, don't want to be bothered. Hoping I can talk sense into someone. Emotions are all over the place today. Dr. Reddy talked about starting me on Provigil to help me to stay awake and be able to function at work. Could be staying longer. Having some bad days. Mom is mad cause I never told her about visitation. Head is killing me. I want some caffeine.
Night
Slept too much today.....Still tired. Not sure what influence I've had on anyone specifically. But I know God put others here for me. Still not sure about my roommate....if I've influenced her or she influenced me. Everyone knows I've been upset....I think most people have seen that. People will start leaving tomorrow that's gonna change things again. Wondering if my roommate will be leaving or staying. I'm tired of the cursing and talks of drugs and sex. Guess I'll go back to sleep for now. Still wondering who God put me here for.
3/16/09 Day
Talked to therapist today. She talked to mom. Talked to Dr. Thotakura (my med doctor in the hospital)....she upped the abilify to help concentration. Got the Provigil about 12:20pm. She also asked if I wanted to transfer to High Point Regional again. I'm thinking that perhaps that is the answer to the care here. I don't find the groups useful or helpful at all.
The Therapist feels that I should be more open with my mom. I don't know that I agree. She wants to say that I'm going to have to deal with a lot by myself. That I'm not always going to be able to call someone. Funny.....Dr. Giarmo has a pager that I can call 24/7.
Really shaking right now. Not sure why. Headache coming back. Still tired and losing my voice. Played Wii bowling in afternoon group.
Night
Losing my voice. Tired of being sick already.
3/17/09 St. Patricks Day
Day~Woke up for breakfast, back to bed, skipped group, got up for meds & got to talk to Dr. Thotakura-not getting transferred because price would be the same. She said that there is no outpatient day program as she originally said. Don't know if I believe her or not. I'm really disappointed. Was told last night that staff had to make calls for me not other patients due to confidentiality. Now being told that staff can't unless I talk to therapist. Now disappointed and frustrated. I know that I asked God to make the decision clear. I thought it was to go to High Point Regional. Obviously not because the door has been closed...this time through no fault of my own. Grrr. My roommate left today.
Night
Taking Augmentin for throat. Homework was tough, made me think. Not sure I've done what she wanted though.
3/18/09
Overall an all right day. Tired but couldn't really nap. Missed part of 1st group....was on masks. There was no handout. 2nd group...coloring-skipped to lay down but never slept really. 3rd group-Meditation-I almost fell asleep....but it worked. 4th group-talked about self esteem. Mom came to visit tonight...hugged me for the first time since I was 9 years old. Even Jennifer hugged me. That was weird. Got a new roommate today. She's great another believer and we have a lot in common. I love my network of friends.....they are so special and care so much. God is still blessing me...talked briefly to my roomie about my dream today. She reminded me that it wasn't going to go away, until brought to completion by God. It must go on.
3/19/09
Almost ready to go home as long as that doesn't mean going straight back to work. Following up with Dr. Giarmo on coping skills and getting homework from her. There is so much work yet to be done. But I'm getting there.
Dr. Thotakura said I can go home tomorrow. Take another week off of work, then back to normal. Mixed feelings about this....nut sure because I'm still so tired.
Still having mixed feelings about this. I need more than 1 week off from work. Of course mom is ready to say I can quit the job now. But I'm not sure that is the answer either. If I did have to quit how would I pay the medical bills?? The job is definitely an issue of added stress and problems especially with the other girl leaving soon. It's going to take an act of God to keep this job....I must make the loan payments on time or I can't go back to school. If there is another way...God show me how to go. If there is a better job or position, Father show it to me.
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So my thoughts now on the overall experience. I think it helped some, but not as good as it could have. The groups were not as helpful as I would have liked, I thought I would have gotten more coping skills out of it. I spent every night once second shift got there coloring pictures, watching TV or reading. The only thing offered other than that was AA or NA, neither of which I needed. I felt that a lot of people didn't care as much as they should have, and that so many people where still hurting and suicidal and the staff didn't seem to care. It upset me that when I would have hurt myself that people were not available to have talked to me. That seemed like that wasn't really all that helpful. Overall I think with research I could probably have found a better program.
At the same time I hope this helps, more than I have recognized.
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Since being home I have struggled some because of the cost of the prescriptions and some difficulties that I'm not yet able to disclose with the work situation.
