"Please Hear What I Am NOT Saying"

==============

Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled within me as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.... My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever varying and ever concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.... A nonchalant, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation.... My only salvation. And I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by LOVE.

It's the only think that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison wall; from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only think that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I am really something. But I don't tell you this, I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and I'm just no good and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a façade of assurance without, and with a trembling child within.

And so, begins my parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks. My life becomes a front. I wildly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is nothing and nothing that is everything, of what's crying inside me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly, I dislike the superficial game I am playing, the superficial phony. I'd like to be really genuine and spontaneous even what that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow with wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and compassion and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that, I want you to know how important you are to me.... How you can be the creator of the person that is in me if you choose to.... Pleas choose....

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble; you alone can remove the mask; you alone can release me from my lonely prison. So do not pass me by. Please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. My long held conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I might strike back. It's irrational, but despite what books say about a person, I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies hope. MY ONLY HOPE. Please try to beat down my wall with a firm hand, but gentle hands.... For a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I AM EVERY MAN AND WOMAN YOU MEET. I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Mask

My mask is a smiling face, that everyone thinks is beautiful, and everyone believes that I am so very, very happy and full of life. Very few people believe I even suffer from depression and no one sees the real pain that is hidden inside. I pretend to be strong, and pretend to be outgoing, and everyone who doesn't know me believes it. Which makes it harder for those who do know me well and know about the social anxiety to understand my many faces.

Sometimes I wonder who I really am behind all the masks....sometimes I feel I don't even know the real me from the fake me.