I Will

I am so messed up. Why must I always see myself as being so very bad? Why can't I ever see myself as being good?? It's like I jumped on this mess and now I am writing off a normal life. This isn't how it works, it's not how it is supposed to be!! The medicines will start to work, I will start to feel better and not worse, I will begin to have a life outside of this house, outside of this job, and outside of church, I will learn to hang out with friends and not feel like I am bothering them, I will learn not to always hide behind written words, I will learn to pick up the phone and give someone a call before sending an e-mail. I'm going to find out what a normal life is, I don't think I've even begun to live it, not with these problems of mine, I shouldn't be so consumed with what others think, it is irrational, and it is part of my problem, but it doesn't define me. I will get it back together and I will continue on with the plans I have made. I can and will live a productive life. I will not always live here with my mom, I will not give up on myself, I will not become the person everyone avoids because of her problems, I will not live barely surviving each day, week, month. I will pull through...I'm not alone, God will help me and make me stronger, make me whole. I have friends who care so very much and that's more than some people have. I will hold on, and I will beat this, and I will not let it make me think less of myself. I will get up and get dressed every single day and stop staying in Pj's all day, I will go out and do the things I need to do, I will keep talking and writing and praying for God to give me strength. I will learn to stand strong and know that I am not a bad person. I will learn to think right thoughts. I will make it, somehow, someway, no matter how it feels right now!