Psychologist Appointment and Updates

There is much to catch up on. Well I had a psychologist appointment today....to be honest I did not want to go to. I'm not sure why....I've liked this psychologist from the beginning so I am not certain why I totally did not want to go to this appointment. I'm guessing it is just because it has been about a month since I've seen her and in that time things have happened and I knew there was much to catch her up on.

Well she disagreed with the psychiatrist...she said that she is seeing a lot of improvement for someone who has just started therapy and that I was doing a great job. She said that I would continue to have dips in my moods, and that the thoughts will be there but that she is proud of me for not dwelling on them and not beating myself up about them anymore. She said that in the updates that I gave her I handled things much better than I would have before and that she was proud of me.

She wants me to start going back to Sandhills for my psychiatrist appointments because there it would not cost me anything, but that she was not giving me up for my therapy appointments. (I thought that this was great since I want to keep seeing her). For now she has lowered the cost slightly, but then if we have to she will put me on a payment plan so that I can continue to see her so that makes me feel better about that.

I really enjoy talking to her, almost like talking to a friend of mine, except we are not really friends, but it's cool. I found that everything was fairly easy to talk about until it came to admitting that I was a product of rape and not only incest. Then I found at that point that I couldn't look at her, but was staring at the wall in her office. Normally I have a hard time making eye contact with people but have never felt like with her it was a very big issue. I like the fact that I always leave her appointments feeling better about things.

We talked about my feelings with my fight with my friend, and how I handled that. We also talked about how I handled losing my job without totally freaking out about things like I normally would. She is making me see that there has been lots of change and that in the time I've been seeing her that I'm doing good.

So yeah, I know I've not posted about it but mom in a passing conversation a few days ago mentioned that there is nothing that has ever happened to her that was not her own fault. I mentioned that I could think of at least one thing that wasn't her fault (referring to my being born of incest). She said that is was her fault because she could have run. For the first time I finally got her to admit that it wasn't consensual like she first said that it was. The way she figured that was that she could have run back to New Jersey, and she didn't. However in reality it was rape, because she never did consent to it.

Confirmed my earlier suspicions however it was still hard to hear. I always kind of figured that it was rape simply because she had no where else to go, but she always denied that until now. She then of course went back to reading her book, and avoiding the conversation. I wonder when we will ever get beyond all the lies to the real truth of the matter. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I'm also tired of being the byproduct of all this mess. I wonder if I will ever know the full truth of the matter.

I know it doesn't really change things, but yet it does change things for me. I know it's not who I am now, but still realizing that my worst fear of what could have happened is really what did doesn't make accepting things any easier. I so just want to know the truth and deal with it and have it all be over.

On another note I have some applications out and am hoping to hear back from Americorp Vista about one of the two job applications I submitted to them. Anything to get me closer to my dream.