Missed church again, slept right through it. I'm tired of depression, tired of meds that make it worse and not better. I am demanding at the next appt that the doctor remove me from this particular medication or I will remove myself if she leaves me no choice. I lose enough of my life due to the depression, I should not be losing more of it due to the drugs I am on.

Wondering why I sometimes miss the hospital. It doesn't make sense. Except for the fact that when I was there I felt really loved by my friends. Of course when there I thought I still had a job to go back to...but even then I don't think that is it. I think I just missed having a place to be, without having to think beyond the minute or the day. I also wonder if perhaps I think that would bring back that friendship that I miss. I don't know but I do know that I do really seriously at times miss the hospital and think about going back, even though in reality I know that I don't need it....there is something about it that I miss. It makes no sense to me, especially since I know that it is not a solution to anything.

ETA: I know that this is not a long term solution, or even an option so I don't understand why I think such things.

I sent a message to my t-doc so that I wouldn't forget to mention it during my next appointment. It just doesn't make good sense to me. Why I should think about a place that I didn't totally like while I was there, and wouldn't ever want to go back at least not to that one. And yet I continue to think about the hospital and I'm not sure why, unless it is just the simplicity of being unplugged there from the internet, cell phone, problems of life, and judgements of others. I don't get it.

I guess sometimes I wish I had a way to just get away from it all, and not feel like I am being self-absorbed for trying to work on myself. But I would like to take me t-doc with me, because she is awesome and the hospital doctors were not good listeners. In fact that wasn't a great experience so why do I think of it with fondness. Why do I want to escape, and what do I hope to escape from? I can't escape from me and my faults, and really I'm not working so life isn't all that complicated right this minute although it is stressful.

I'm confused by my own tortured brain. Nothing makes good sense about this. Nothing.

ETA: Releasing it now, refusing to focus on it, my t-doc has said in the past that if I don't pickat it & it will pass. I'll just talk to her about it at the next appt.

Well the camp was wonderful, it always is. I felt like I was doing everything through a cloud though, as if I was going through the motions, but not fully there. I know that I did an excellent job at helping out this weekend because one lady lost her voice and I had to speak up and be her voice and cheer my team on. Everyone was proud of me for stepping up and out to the plate and thought that was awesome. I personally didn't feel like I did that much. At the same time I feel like a lot of people campers and volunteers alike stepped out to help me out a lot. It seemed like even the campers could tell I wasn't myself and they kept offering up affection, and other volunteers were reaching out to keep me from being alone.

I still feel so socially inadequate once the campers go to bed and I feel like I don't fit in with some of the other volunteers. But I know that everyone is glad that I showed up and that I continue to help out with the camp. I felt out of place a few times and was down a bit, but overall, especially considering me, I feel like I did well. I know others were concerned about me a few times, but nothing was said....I shared with some of them that I was having a hard time and some of them have also suffered from depression so they totally understand where I am at and they didn't have a problem with it. In spite of it they thought that I was still a wonderful addition to the team.

It was nice to get away and to somewhat get my mind off of the situation, however, because of the devotions and the lady reading from her personal journal the topic kept coming back up. But I was too busy to really think about anything too much.

But now I'm just tired and emotional....but I usually tend to be after the camp....usually I have so much fun and feel so useful that afterwards I feel really like my daily life is useless and I'm not making the difference that I should be making. But this time....it just wasn't nearly as much fun, I guess just because of my own dark cloud that I am doing things under.

I've cried almost 2 hours for no real reason. I mean....I miss my friend, but ultimately there was nothing to trigger this change in mood tonight or the emotional breakdown I had. I hate this...emotional breakdowns that one can't explain are supposed to be going away.

Just came back from my psychologist appt, this morning. Tried to talk to her today about how I was feeling....somehow it led into a trek into the past. She basically when asked point blank what to do about these thoughts of not belonging, she said that it was triggered by my having those feelings in the past and that until I deal with the past issues that there isn't much I can do about the feelings right now. But that I shouldn't beat myself up for the feelings.

Today we got into talking about the false self....what that was and felt like. Then how long I have had the false self, and why. The fact that the false self was developed as a way to get the love from my mother that I wasn't getting naturally. That was why I was having so many problems people pleasing because I started doing that to feel loved. We then also got into talking about my family, mom and dad, etc..

Also because I can relate so well to mom, that I never really developed fully myself, because I wasn't getting the love and support that I needed from her as a child. Guess I never thought about not being fully emotionally developed as being one of my problems....but that does make sense if you think about it.

Final Letter to my imposter

This is hard. Hard to acknowledge you, harder yet to try and talk to you. In acknowledging you, I'm talking to myself. I realize that, a part of myself that I hate and yet love. A part that I want to be more like in some ways yet less like in others.

In you...In the positive, I appear outgoing, friendly, braver than I am, a demeanor that I am known for. I am able to cover over the social anxiety disorder and most people never know. Another thing is that most people would never guess that I'm suffering from depression. So in that sense you've protected me. I've always hid behind my smile that was always there much like a mask, put in place whenever I left the house so that one need not know how unhappy I might be...and yet there is much about you that is negative.

In the negative, you are people pleasing, acceptance seeking, constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, and awaiting rejection and abandonment. Never feeling like I completely measure up. I built walls so tall so strong that no one could get in as protection from rejection. Isolating myself so well that I had no one to turn to, no one with whom I could be real...until I lost what the real me ever was. I find myself asking who am I really and what do I really like, because somewhere in all the people pleasing I lost myself. Sad thing is some people you simply can't please and when I can't please then I don't know how to proceed.

I know you served a purpose of protecting my tender feelings however, I feel like you are costing me a lot in lost friendships, bad relationships, and controlling my life through fear. Fears of what others think, fears that I'm not accepted, fears of failure, fears of success, fears of being inadequate, fears of drawing attention, and fears of being ignored. You terrorize my mind with thoughts of rejection, that people can't love me and accept me for ME. Until those very fears become fulfilled. Then there is the never being good enough, when people see the real me that they will walk away.

You have become the storm clouds of my soul. Creating problems, enveloping me in fears, overwhelming myself to inaction, and causing me to fail before I start. Keeping me from stepping out in the past, although now I do more through the power I have in Jesus Christ. I'm learning to step out in Christ and do it afraid. Guess what I've survived. You are losing your precious hold on me.

You use my secrets to keep me from ever becoming truly comfortable in any relationship. Why should I always fear that people would not accept me? In a way I was protected for years because without letting people close, I was spared the rejection. But you reinforced that lonely idea with so many fears and judgements that I was made into a prisoner. A self-made prisoner...only now I've found the prison is to small and I now have the keys.

The key is Jesus. As I present you at the foot of the cross, you start to appear smaller and as I focus on what Jesus says you began to lose power over me and my life.

I've come a long way and yet I'm still trapped in this prison. I've decided that its time I fight back, not passively as before, but actively. I've hated you for a long time (thus hating myself), even planned ways to kill you off. Then I'm reminded that you are out to kill me and steal my chances at happiness. So I can't kill you, that would mean killing myself, and that's not an option, at least not when I'm in my right mind. But from now on you don't get a voice, unless it aligns with God's word. I'm taking you and your lies to Jesus. I don't pretend that it will be easy, nor that you will ever completely go away. But you will be controlled...your power is slipping away already with the power of His Word.

Yes, I realize that you are a part of me, but that part shall soon be mastered as I learn anew Who I am in Jesus Christ, and I give him power over you.

My Better Self,

Deanna

Well my t-doc actually suggested that at the next appointment I make a list of what I want to discuss to focus the session more instead of what we have been doing. She also mentioned that I have basically been trying to do too much lately and that while all the information is good...I've not actually been able to focus on anything completely, to make it real.

She liked the self-concept inventory that I did and felt that it was good...not negative at all. She still feels like I'm making good progress....she simply would like to see me focus completely on some of the information that I've been getting instead of glossing over it and not making it feel real and make real changes.

I chickened out on showing the T-doc the letter to my imposter/false self, because after rereading it I didn't feel like I gave the assignment enough thought or focus....now I need to rewrite it before the next book club meeting.

T-doc also wants to know after looking at my self-concept inventory...how I really see myself, minus the positives that I had to add for that assignment...so now I need to try and right another one showing her how I truly feel about myself then she can see how we need to work to get to the truth of the one I did on here last week for the self-concept inventory.

Tired of this

Why is it that the more I let people know, the more they tend to want to criticize or judge, or even worse, they become more concerned...and then try to offer advice. I hate for people to be concerned, worse yet is when they actually begin to show it because it makes me question whether I should tell them anything and I have a tendency to want to invalidate how I feel to try and make others worry less. I think that bottling is probably one of the reasons things had gotten so bad to begin with because I wouldn't acknowledge it. Now I tend to want to cover up and fake being okay just to make others feel better.

I'm tired of this...tired of being forced to either accept the criticism and judgments or fake being okay so that people will stop worrying about me. It is so very taxing to never be able to be real, especially when getting better means learning to be really real. I can't get better by not acknowledging the problem, and yet I can't stand to have others worry about me enough to deal with it all. There seems to be a fine line between overly concerned and judging right now with people and it seems every time that I think that I've dealt with one person causing problems.....I run into someone else that I simply have problems figuring out how to deal with.

Sometimes I feel like I simply can't win for losing.

Self-Concept Inventory

I have shoulder length, thick, straight red hair with natural highlights that glisten in the sun, which is easily fixed by running my fingers through it. I am 5’2”, with a 38-inch waist, and a 43-inch chest. I have a fair complexion and natural coloring which makes makeup totally unnecessary. I have pretty blue eyes that sparkle, and my smile lights up a room. I also have strong arms great for lifting and moving things, and giving great hugs.

Initially people may find me to be distant. I appear friendly, yet reserved, most people do not realize I have social anxiety disorder. I often pretend that things are okay when they are not. I am quick to help others, when given the chance and I try to be very encouraging. I am a good listener to someone who is in distress. I’m not very open because I don’t trust others well. I also have a tendency to bring the conversation back to me instead of listening to others.

I am very shy until I get to know somebody, but then I’m talkative. I am compassionate and very sensitive to the needs of others. I can be a very good friend to others, if they allow me to be. I have a nurturing personality and enjoy taking care of others. I am very loving and affectionate, especially with people with whom I am close. I often need approval and affirmations from friends when things are not going well. I try to please people whatever it takes. I am very dependable and am generally responsible. I think about things a long time before I start them. I love to read most anything that I can get my hands on, and I love to learn new things and often share what I learn with others
Family members easily irritate me, and I tend to complain when things are going badly, and beat myself up when things go wrong. I put off things that I percieve will be hard or uncomfortable. I think too much about what I said or did or should have said or did or what I will say or do. Social anxiety disorder causes me to feel anxious around people and in social situations

I have an inner strength that pulls me through, and a love for God and his Word. I am very loyal to a cause, my church, and my friends. I am very giving of my time and affection. It takes me a long time to trust others and be genuine with them. I tend to put myself last after trying to please others, or taking care of my close friends. I am very smart and learn quickly. I’m uncertain about myself, and how I appear to others. I think I appear scared of things and life to others. I suffer from feeling sad and down for no reason at times and sometimes nothing I do helps me to improve it. I worry about things too much and what people think about me. Some people think that I focus on myself more than I should

I tend to be prompt, usually early for appointments and engagements. Bosses and authority figures make me shaky and on edge. I strongly believe in quality over quantity in the things I do. Talking on the phone makes me nervous because I feel I am a burden to others. Business calls make me shaky and nervous, and I tend to feel inadequate. I always stand up for what I feel is right

I don’t keep a neat, picked up house, in fact my mess is often overwhelming to look at. However I do take time to relax and unwind. When depressed I struggle to shower and remember to brush my teeth and hair. I don’t keep my appearance up as some do, but I am ok with that. I don’t use my time wisely, waste time sleeping and on the computer, I want to learn to become better at that. I remain tense most all of the time, I need to work on relaxation techniques. I rarely commit to social engagements and often think of backing out.

I generally think about failing before I ever get started on something overwhelming myself to inaction, causing many problems. I can cook well when I really want to, although I choose not to do so often. I don’t pay attention to when its time to do car maintenance. I also buy things I don’t need; like books and junk food, great things to have but not the best use of my money.

Current events don’t interest me, but things that interest me I am attentive to. I tend to be very insightful and I have a natural talent with computers.

Psychiatrist Appt

I've decided that I really just don't like this doctor, I am glad that my psychologist recommended me going back to Sandhills for a psychiatrist and because it is income based, which will help me immensely.

She decided to drop the abilify and start me on 50mg of Seroquel XR in addition to the 90 mg of cymbalta. Today I felt groggy and dizzy upon getting up.....still very sleepy. Now I feel lethargic and tired and groggy, like I could just sleep all day. Doesn't look like I will be very productive today. But most side effects get better after being on the meds for awhile so I'm hoping that it gets better soon. In the meantime I give myself permission not to accomplish much.

5/5

It was raining earlier this morning and it's just a blah day outside right now. I did accomplish calling about a new psychiatrist this morning. But now despite the list of things I want to do or the things I should be doing such as looking for a job....my motivation is gone. I went to my room earlier to read and work on my Esther homework and fell asleep. I'm tired of sleeping all the time and being home doesn't help...but at the same time I don't feel like its worth really mentioning to the doctors because I am home and not working...so hopefully not important.

But I do wish that I would wake up more energized and feeling like doing something.....but then on the rare occasions that I do I then never seem to have anything worthwhile to go do and have fun with so I guess there really is no winning where that is concerned.

The depression is not as good as it should be and I feel like perhaps the psychiatrist was right in saying that I wasn't doing as well as I thought. In a way it made me feel better that the psychologist disagrees with that, but in another way sometimes I wonder. I still have the thoughts of suicide and that is an unpleasantness that I would rather not have. But I guess my not dwelling on it, makes having the thoughts okay. Although I don't know. I know that we are supposed to be working on the thoughts in therapy though so curious to see what happens with that, even though lately it seems we play catch up because its been so long between visits....but that should be ending soon and maybe I'll see what her plans are for this.

I'm in an okay mood for today, I just wish that I felt like doing more instead of sleeping. But for today I'm going to blame the weather for that. Hopefully I'll be more productive later this week. Although I feel like I did fairly good yesterday I have some more exercises in my book that I wanted to do today.

Psychologist Appointment and Updates

There is much to catch up on. Well I had a psychologist appointment today....to be honest I did not want to go to. I'm not sure why....I've liked this psychologist from the beginning so I am not certain why I totally did not want to go to this appointment. I'm guessing it is just because it has been about a month since I've seen her and in that time things have happened and I knew there was much to catch her up on.

Well she disagreed with the psychiatrist...she said that she is seeing a lot of improvement for someone who has just started therapy and that I was doing a great job. She said that I would continue to have dips in my moods, and that the thoughts will be there but that she is proud of me for not dwelling on them and not beating myself up about them anymore. She said that in the updates that I gave her I handled things much better than I would have before and that she was proud of me.

She wants me to start going back to Sandhills for my psychiatrist appointments because there it would not cost me anything, but that she was not giving me up for my therapy appointments. (I thought that this was great since I want to keep seeing her). For now she has lowered the cost slightly, but then if we have to she will put me on a payment plan so that I can continue to see her so that makes me feel better about that.

I really enjoy talking to her, almost like talking to a friend of mine, except we are not really friends, but it's cool. I found that everything was fairly easy to talk about until it came to admitting that I was a product of rape and not only incest. Then I found at that point that I couldn't look at her, but was staring at the wall in her office. Normally I have a hard time making eye contact with people but have never felt like with her it was a very big issue. I like the fact that I always leave her appointments feeling better about things.

We talked about my feelings with my fight with my friend, and how I handled that. We also talked about how I handled losing my job without totally freaking out about things like I normally would. She is making me see that there has been lots of change and that in the time I've been seeing her that I'm doing good.

So yeah, I know I've not posted about it but mom in a passing conversation a few days ago mentioned that there is nothing that has ever happened to her that was not her own fault. I mentioned that I could think of at least one thing that wasn't her fault (referring to my being born of incest). She said that is was her fault because she could have run. For the first time I finally got her to admit that it wasn't consensual like she first said that it was. The way she figured that was that she could have run back to New Jersey, and she didn't. However in reality it was rape, because she never did consent to it.

Confirmed my earlier suspicions however it was still hard to hear. I always kind of figured that it was rape simply because she had no where else to go, but she always denied that until now. She then of course went back to reading her book, and avoiding the conversation. I wonder when we will ever get beyond all the lies to the real truth of the matter. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I'm also tired of being the byproduct of all this mess. I wonder if I will ever know the full truth of the matter.

I know it doesn't really change things, but yet it does change things for me. I know it's not who I am now, but still realizing that my worst fear of what could have happened is really what did doesn't make accepting things any easier. I so just want to know the truth and deal with it and have it all be over.

On another note I have some applications out and am hoping to hear back from Americorp Vista about one of the two job applications I submitted to them. Anything to get me closer to my dream.