Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Change possible on the Horizon?

So in the last few weeks someone started following me on twitter.  Not sure how this person, an author, found me or why they chose to follow me...but oddly they did.  So I decided after a few tweets to check out this persons blog.  Amazing person, lots of great things to say.  I'm good with that, I even venture out and comment on the blog and on the tweets.  No big deal, right?  This sweet person starts talking back.  Even better since I love to talk.

So I go about my routine as normal, I mean on twitter, you are going to have followers, and it doesn't matter if someone follows you that much, what are the chances that it would change anything you write.  It hasn't changed what I write.  But some of the blog posts, and links, well they got me to thinking....and I'm starting to feel nudges.  I don't always pay attention to nudges and I am quick to dismiss them.  But sometimes you can kind of feel the air shift around you, and you can tell things in your life are going to shift.

Have I mentioned that I hate change!!!  That said, I haven't been able to brush off the nudge or the sense that God is lining things up to make changes in my life.  Now I guess this would be the place to mention that I have recently asked God where He would use me.  And I have asked my Pastor, at the church I just recently returned to, to also pray that God would show me where I should serve.  Been seeking my area to be of help to Gods kingdom.  Been reading some life changing books and just really doing some soul searching.

In spite of all of this, I guess you could say I wasn't totally expecting any major shifts all that soon.  So going about somewhat like normal although starting some new habits.  So the author I mentioned, she sometimes shares posts about writing, and well I have been doing an online bible study where there is a blog hop, and I have shared my other blog on there and have been thinking about the blog and researched a bit how to make a bigger difference.  So I have somewhat focused on writing content and stuff.

My old therapist had recommended that I follow through with an idea someone gave me in an online community to write something that for now I will not name, using my faith to help others with mental health concerns.  Well I had been thinking I would, but have not taken the time to attempt any of this yet, although I have some ideas.

Now reading some of the things on the authors blog, and the writing tips and things.  I am getting this strange feeling that I can't shake, that God has brought this person into my online life right now for a reason.  But more than that I find that I think God is about to change my life.  I keep reminding myself and God that if it is His will that I will do this, even though it might be uncomfortable for me.  At the same time, I like my little life, fairly simple and uncomplicated.  I refuse to over think things and make it into something it is not, however, I don't offer myself the chance to totally ignore these feelings.  I find that God has a strange sense of humor, and the things you had never seriously considered or ever thought about doing, sometimes they are the very things that happen.

At the same time, I will not forge ahead and attempt to do anything on my own.  I don't want to attempt to force things before the time is right, and I don't want to push things along anyway.  I hate change, but I have found when God is behind it, then it is almost always worth while to obey.

And trying to convince myself last night that I was over thinking and it was nothing at all, I picked up the bible to continue my reading, and what verse stuck out and seriously reinforced everything?

Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: “Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”  Isaiah 6:8
I know this is considered somewhat a new christian idea to think that you pick up the bible, flip somewhere and find a verse that is meant for you.  But honestly I wasn't looking for a verse, or anything, just continuing in my reading of Isaiah. But that just really stuck out, and couldn't be denied.

So what do I expect to happen, absolutely nothing.  And what do I expect from this sweet writer, nothing.  But I will not be surprised if God doesn't use these experiences in a really big way in the days to come.  What do I mean about a big way?  Only God knows what that means.

Blog Purpose Redefined

I have written on various things on this blog...it was supposed to pertain to my struggles with mental health concerns and life struggles in general.  But like all things in life, I find that I can't compartmentalize this as being separate from my faith, and so struggles have also been post on my other blog with my sharing the Christian faith with others.

I find that the name of this blog is versatile and allows for me to change topics frequently which will help now as I redefine things.  I am thinking that this blog will take a turn, and while still encompassing mental health concerns of mine it will also encompass my creative side.

I am going to include here, thoughts on books I am reading, stuff related to Crocheting, and recipes that we try and like.  And maybe some health stuff.

For now I will work on redecorating and then I will try to figure out a type of schedule for posting more regularly.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Time for recreation

My other blog has really worked better for me, than this one has.  I think part of that is because I have given it more time and attention.  I also think because it combines my faith with my life I have had more to write about there.  I simply don't spend a lot of time thinking overly much about my mental health these days.

That said I think I need to give this blog a little more love.  So I am thinking a redecorating is in order.  Also maybe a serious considering of what I would write about with more regularity.  I mean it may still be about my areas of struggle, but maybe combined with my hobbies, recipes, books I am reading.  But at this point I am not sure.

I am going to brainstorm on this and I will post some ideas soon.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Am I really being Judged?

One of the things I really hate about Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Anxiety is the fact that you often feel that people are judging you, whether they really are or not.  This can be really problematic, especially if like me, you are a people pleaser.  Because in your own distorted perceptions you may feel people are judging you and you don't feel like you measure up.

However in reality, things may be very different.  No one may be judging you at all.  But because it is in your mind that others are judging you....you start behaving as though they are and you began to act as though they can't be trusted.

This can be very confusing for someone, when they don't know the battle going on in your mind.  I haven't learned (I don't think) the skills for dealing with this yet, and if I have, I am not aware of it.  It makes for a pretty conflicting time.

I know so little about BPD and how that really interacts with my other problems.  But I can remember this bit from the description and for now I know that it is not just the social anxiety as I had thought in the past.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Typical BPD, Maybe

So I have belonged to this one website since 2009, and I have recently come to decide that it is time for me to leave it.  This is a hard decision for me because I have invested much time getting to know others and offer support to others, yet I feel when I occasionally reach out, it is not reciprocated.

Now granted I get that it is BPD to get mad about perceived or real rejection, so it could be the BPD talking....at the same time I feel that I am no longer in the same frame of mind that I was in when I went to that site.  So I am hoping that I can successfully walk away from the site this time.

I have taken short breaks before but never been able to make it last.  But this time I hope for it to be different.  I am simply looking to make my life more about the things it should be focused on and less about websites and supposed online friends, with people that I don't really know.

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