Seasons

Seasons....Looking at my life lately, all I can see is Seasons. Seasons of happiness, seasons of loneliness, seasons of friendships, and seasons of being alone, seasons of depression, seasons of healing, seasons of trouble, and seasons of learning, seasons of calm, seasons of growth.

The seasons come and seasons go....but it all really stays the same. A different time and different things, but one thing doesn't change. God is there through the seasons, whether they be of trouble or of good. Life is far from perfect and some seasons seem to last longer than others, but the growth comes from the seasons of trials, that teach you and make you stronger than before.

I've faced some seasons more than once in my life, and yet every one is different, for as much as it is the same. I've battled my seasons of depression and still I struggle on, but each has been different and has taught me different things. The problems always seem to come when I began to finally think I am coming back out of it and things feel good again. Then I run into more emotions that make little sense and another something to dampen my spirit, so that it seems that I am not making progress....yet I know that I am. But sometimes the new season seems to come so quickly that it seems there is more cloudy and dark than there is of the light. Sometimes triggered by the most fun and innocent of things....then the tiredness and burden seems to come back, unbidden, and you wonder if progress will ever be made. But I know that this too is a season to be gone through.

Things I have learned from the various career tests and personality tests

This is a post on the things that I have learned from the various career tests and personality tests that I have taken lately to try and gain perspective on what I would like to do with my future and, hopefully finding a position that I can enjoy and keep for awhile. I've found some things that should have been common sense but were not and other things that I didn't really give a lot of thought to before. I am an ISFJ, on the myer briggs personalities.

I like/am/have:

• Working and being alone
• Very specific and detailed in communications (written and Verbal)
• Want to know what I am getting into before I commit
• A communicator with a need to make a difference in the lives of others
• Strong sense of right and wrong
• Good at organization, dependability, detail
• Interested in ideas, concepts
• Work under supervision (should avoid work of an independant nature)
• Helping people with problems
• Thinking deeply
• To understand why and How
• Want to know the significance and details
• diagnosing and analyzing
• Concerned with innovation and documentation
• Manage by planning and controlling
• Managing style is self-directed and systematic
• Want to be self-reliant and accountable
• Value questioning and compliance
• Follow personal reasoning and policy
• Focus is input and procedures
• Want to have time to assess and boundaries
• Dominant abilities are Caring and Serving
• Quiet and reflective
• Prefer reading & reflection to action.

I also learned that:

• Motivational traits
• Dedicated Motivation
  
• Helping/Kindness
• Need for Harmony
• Attachment to the familiar


• Moderate Motivation
  
  • Attention to Detail
  • non~social
  • theoretical
  • Visual/artistic
  • Literary/communicative
• Vocational Traits
• Dedicated Motivation
  • Personal Services
• Strong Motivation
  • Elemental Work
• Moderate Motivation
• Clerical
• Medicine/Health
• Counseling/Guidance
• Art/Fine Arts
• Writing/Journalism

Desire to serve others

• Methodical & Accurate worker often with very good memories and unexpected analytical abilities
• Also good with people in small groups or one to one situations
  

Socially Anxious pretending normal

So taking a slightly different spin on things, today I want to discuss the struggles of a person with social anxiety to feel comfortable in bible study group when there is underlying tension running rampant. Everyone knows that the socially anxious are never at their best in group situations. I was at bible study the other day and our group is getting larger and in the process of a splitting into smaller groups. Well that has most everyone uncomfortable and uneasy with the process and no one is really comfortable. I went there the other night and ate dinner talking to a few friends, but then when we got into a circle to do the bible study I was so miserable because I could feel the tension so badly that I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't focus on the teaching. I ended up having to get up and leave in the middle of things.

Then got in the car and was sooooo worried about what everyone would think that I had to fight myself to see if I was going to be offending anyone by leaving and what would be said, then I finally was able to take off and drive home, concerned all the way about what I had done and wishing I would have stayed even though I was miserable because I know that people sometimes judge others based on the behaviors that they don't understand. Sometimes its really hard to be socially anxious and trying to pretend to be normal.

Missed church again, slept right through it. I'm tired of depression, tired of meds that make it worse and not better. I am demanding at the next appt that the doctor remove me from this particular medication or I will remove myself if she leaves me no choice. I lose enough of my life due to the depression, I should not be losing more of it due to the drugs I am on.

Wondering why I sometimes miss the hospital. It doesn't make sense. Except for the fact that when I was there I felt really loved by my friends. Of course when there I thought I still had a job to go back to...but even then I don't think that is it. I think I just missed having a place to be, without having to think beyond the minute or the day. I also wonder if perhaps I think that would bring back that friendship that I miss. I don't know but I do know that I do really seriously at times miss the hospital and think about going back, even though in reality I know that I don't need it....there is something about it that I miss. It makes no sense to me, especially since I know that it is not a solution to anything.

ETA: I know that this is not a long term solution, or even an option so I don't understand why I think such things.

I sent a message to my t-doc so that I wouldn't forget to mention it during my next appointment. It just doesn't make good sense to me. Why I should think about a place that I didn't totally like while I was there, and wouldn't ever want to go back at least not to that one. And yet I continue to think about the hospital and I'm not sure why, unless it is just the simplicity of being unplugged there from the internet, cell phone, problems of life, and judgements of others. I don't get it.

I guess sometimes I wish I had a way to just get away from it all, and not feel like I am being self-absorbed for trying to work on myself. But I would like to take me t-doc with me, because she is awesome and the hospital doctors were not good listeners. In fact that wasn't a great experience so why do I think of it with fondness. Why do I want to escape, and what do I hope to escape from? I can't escape from me and my faults, and really I'm not working so life isn't all that complicated right this minute although it is stressful.

I'm confused by my own tortured brain. Nothing makes good sense about this. Nothing.

ETA: Releasing it now, refusing to focus on it, my t-doc has said in the past that if I don't pickat it & it will pass. I'll just talk to her about it at the next appt.

Well the camp was wonderful, it always is. I felt like I was doing everything through a cloud though, as if I was going through the motions, but not fully there. I know that I did an excellent job at helping out this weekend because one lady lost her voice and I had to speak up and be her voice and cheer my team on. Everyone was proud of me for stepping up and out to the plate and thought that was awesome. I personally didn't feel like I did that much. At the same time I feel like a lot of people campers and volunteers alike stepped out to help me out a lot. It seemed like even the campers could tell I wasn't myself and they kept offering up affection, and other volunteers were reaching out to keep me from being alone.

I still feel so socially inadequate once the campers go to bed and I feel like I don't fit in with some of the other volunteers. But I know that everyone is glad that I showed up and that I continue to help out with the camp. I felt out of place a few times and was down a bit, but overall, especially considering me, I feel like I did well. I know others were concerned about me a few times, but nothing was said....I shared with some of them that I was having a hard time and some of them have also suffered from depression so they totally understand where I am at and they didn't have a problem with it. In spite of it they thought that I was still a wonderful addition to the team.

It was nice to get away and to somewhat get my mind off of the situation, however, because of the devotions and the lady reading from her personal journal the topic kept coming back up. But I was too busy to really think about anything too much.

But now I'm just tired and emotional....but I usually tend to be after the camp....usually I have so much fun and feel so useful that afterwards I feel really like my daily life is useless and I'm not making the difference that I should be making. But this time....it just wasn't nearly as much fun, I guess just because of my own dark cloud that I am doing things under.

I've cried almost 2 hours for no real reason. I mean....I miss my friend, but ultimately there was nothing to trigger this change in mood tonight or the emotional breakdown I had. I hate this...emotional breakdowns that one can't explain are supposed to be going away.

Just came back from my psychologist appt, this morning. Tried to talk to her today about how I was feeling....somehow it led into a trek into the past. She basically when asked point blank what to do about these thoughts of not belonging, she said that it was triggered by my having those feelings in the past and that until I deal with the past issues that there isn't much I can do about the feelings right now. But that I shouldn't beat myself up for the feelings.

Today we got into talking about the false self....what that was and felt like. Then how long I have had the false self, and why. The fact that the false self was developed as a way to get the love from my mother that I wasn't getting naturally. That was why I was having so many problems people pleasing because I started doing that to feel loved. We then also got into talking about my family, mom and dad, etc..

Also because I can relate so well to mom, that I never really developed fully myself, because I wasn't getting the love and support that I needed from her as a child. Guess I never thought about not being fully emotionally developed as being one of my problems....but that does make sense if you think about it.

Final Letter to my imposter

This is hard. Hard to acknowledge you, harder yet to try and talk to you. In acknowledging you, I'm talking to myself. I realize that, a part of myself that I hate and yet love. A part that I want to be more like in some ways yet less like in others.

In you...In the positive, I appear outgoing, friendly, braver than I am, a demeanor that I am known for. I am able to cover over the social anxiety disorder and most people never know. Another thing is that most people would never guess that I'm suffering from depression. So in that sense you've protected me. I've always hid behind my smile that was always there much like a mask, put in place whenever I left the house so that one need not know how unhappy I might be...and yet there is much about you that is negative.

In the negative, you are people pleasing, acceptance seeking, constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, and awaiting rejection and abandonment. Never feeling like I completely measure up. I built walls so tall so strong that no one could get in as protection from rejection. Isolating myself so well that I had no one to turn to, no one with whom I could be real...until I lost what the real me ever was. I find myself asking who am I really and what do I really like, because somewhere in all the people pleasing I lost myself. Sad thing is some people you simply can't please and when I can't please then I don't know how to proceed.

I know you served a purpose of protecting my tender feelings however, I feel like you are costing me a lot in lost friendships, bad relationships, and controlling my life through fear. Fears of what others think, fears that I'm not accepted, fears of failure, fears of success, fears of being inadequate, fears of drawing attention, and fears of being ignored. You terrorize my mind with thoughts of rejection, that people can't love me and accept me for ME. Until those very fears become fulfilled. Then there is the never being good enough, when people see the real me that they will walk away.

You have become the storm clouds of my soul. Creating problems, enveloping me in fears, overwhelming myself to inaction, and causing me to fail before I start. Keeping me from stepping out in the past, although now I do more through the power I have in Jesus Christ. I'm learning to step out in Christ and do it afraid. Guess what I've survived. You are losing your precious hold on me.

You use my secrets to keep me from ever becoming truly comfortable in any relationship. Why should I always fear that people would not accept me? In a way I was protected for years because without letting people close, I was spared the rejection. But you reinforced that lonely idea with so many fears and judgements that I was made into a prisoner. A self-made prisoner...only now I've found the prison is to small and I now have the keys.

The key is Jesus. As I present you at the foot of the cross, you start to appear smaller and as I focus on what Jesus says you began to lose power over me and my life.

I've come a long way and yet I'm still trapped in this prison. I've decided that its time I fight back, not passively as before, but actively. I've hated you for a long time (thus hating myself), even planned ways to kill you off. Then I'm reminded that you are out to kill me and steal my chances at happiness. So I can't kill you, that would mean killing myself, and that's not an option, at least not when I'm in my right mind. But from now on you don't get a voice, unless it aligns with God's word. I'm taking you and your lies to Jesus. I don't pretend that it will be easy, nor that you will ever completely go away. But you will be controlled...your power is slipping away already with the power of His Word.

Yes, I realize that you are a part of me, but that part shall soon be mastered as I learn anew Who I am in Jesus Christ, and I give him power over you.

My Better Self,

Deanna

Well my t-doc actually suggested that at the next appointment I make a list of what I want to discuss to focus the session more instead of what we have been doing. She also mentioned that I have basically been trying to do too much lately and that while all the information is good...I've not actually been able to focus on anything completely, to make it real.

She liked the self-concept inventory that I did and felt that it was good...not negative at all. She still feels like I'm making good progress....she simply would like to see me focus completely on some of the information that I've been getting instead of glossing over it and not making it feel real and make real changes.

I chickened out on showing the T-doc the letter to my imposter/false self, because after rereading it I didn't feel like I gave the assignment enough thought or focus....now I need to rewrite it before the next book club meeting.

T-doc also wants to know after looking at my self-concept inventory...how I really see myself, minus the positives that I had to add for that assignment...so now I need to try and right another one showing her how I truly feel about myself then she can see how we need to work to get to the truth of the one I did on here last week for the self-concept inventory.

Tired of this

Why is it that the more I let people know, the more they tend to want to criticize or judge, or even worse, they become more concerned...and then try to offer advice. I hate for people to be concerned, worse yet is when they actually begin to show it because it makes me question whether I should tell them anything and I have a tendency to want to invalidate how I feel to try and make others worry less. I think that bottling is probably one of the reasons things had gotten so bad to begin with because I wouldn't acknowledge it. Now I tend to want to cover up and fake being okay just to make others feel better.

I'm tired of this...tired of being forced to either accept the criticism and judgments or fake being okay so that people will stop worrying about me. It is so very taxing to never be able to be real, especially when getting better means learning to be really real. I can't get better by not acknowledging the problem, and yet I can't stand to have others worry about me enough to deal with it all. There seems to be a fine line between overly concerned and judging right now with people and it seems every time that I think that I've dealt with one person causing problems.....I run into someone else that I simply have problems figuring out how to deal with.

Sometimes I feel like I simply can't win for losing.

Self-Concept Inventory

I have shoulder length, thick, straight red hair with natural highlights that glisten in the sun, which is easily fixed by running my fingers through it. I am 5’2”, with a 38-inch waist, and a 43-inch chest. I have a fair complexion and natural coloring which makes makeup totally unnecessary. I have pretty blue eyes that sparkle, and my smile lights up a room. I also have strong arms great for lifting and moving things, and giving great hugs.

Initially people may find me to be distant. I appear friendly, yet reserved, most people do not realize I have social anxiety disorder. I often pretend that things are okay when they are not. I am quick to help others, when given the chance and I try to be very encouraging. I am a good listener to someone who is in distress. I’m not very open because I don’t trust others well. I also have a tendency to bring the conversation back to me instead of listening to others.

I am very shy until I get to know somebody, but then I’m talkative. I am compassionate and very sensitive to the needs of others. I can be a very good friend to others, if they allow me to be. I have a nurturing personality and enjoy taking care of others. I am very loving and affectionate, especially with people with whom I am close. I often need approval and affirmations from friends when things are not going well. I try to please people whatever it takes. I am very dependable and am generally responsible. I think about things a long time before I start them. I love to read most anything that I can get my hands on, and I love to learn new things and often share what I learn with others
Family members easily irritate me, and I tend to complain when things are going badly, and beat myself up when things go wrong. I put off things that I percieve will be hard or uncomfortable. I think too much about what I said or did or should have said or did or what I will say or do. Social anxiety disorder causes me to feel anxious around people and in social situations

I have an inner strength that pulls me through, and a love for God and his Word. I am very loyal to a cause, my church, and my friends. I am very giving of my time and affection. It takes me a long time to trust others and be genuine with them. I tend to put myself last after trying to please others, or taking care of my close friends. I am very smart and learn quickly. I’m uncertain about myself, and how I appear to others. I think I appear scared of things and life to others. I suffer from feeling sad and down for no reason at times and sometimes nothing I do helps me to improve it. I worry about things too much and what people think about me. Some people think that I focus on myself more than I should

I tend to be prompt, usually early for appointments and engagements. Bosses and authority figures make me shaky and on edge. I strongly believe in quality over quantity in the things I do. Talking on the phone makes me nervous because I feel I am a burden to others. Business calls make me shaky and nervous, and I tend to feel inadequate. I always stand up for what I feel is right

I don’t keep a neat, picked up house, in fact my mess is often overwhelming to look at. However I do take time to relax and unwind. When depressed I struggle to shower and remember to brush my teeth and hair. I don’t keep my appearance up as some do, but I am ok with that. I don’t use my time wisely, waste time sleeping and on the computer, I want to learn to become better at that. I remain tense most all of the time, I need to work on relaxation techniques. I rarely commit to social engagements and often think of backing out.

I generally think about failing before I ever get started on something overwhelming myself to inaction, causing many problems. I can cook well when I really want to, although I choose not to do so often. I don’t pay attention to when its time to do car maintenance. I also buy things I don’t need; like books and junk food, great things to have but not the best use of my money.

Current events don’t interest me, but things that interest me I am attentive to. I tend to be very insightful and I have a natural talent with computers.

Psychiatrist Appt

I've decided that I really just don't like this doctor, I am glad that my psychologist recommended me going back to Sandhills for a psychiatrist and because it is income based, which will help me immensely.

She decided to drop the abilify and start me on 50mg of Seroquel XR in addition to the 90 mg of cymbalta. Today I felt groggy and dizzy upon getting up.....still very sleepy. Now I feel lethargic and tired and groggy, like I could just sleep all day. Doesn't look like I will be very productive today. But most side effects get better after being on the meds for awhile so I'm hoping that it gets better soon. In the meantime I give myself permission not to accomplish much.

5/5

It was raining earlier this morning and it's just a blah day outside right now. I did accomplish calling about a new psychiatrist this morning. But now despite the list of things I want to do or the things I should be doing such as looking for a job....my motivation is gone. I went to my room earlier to read and work on my Esther homework and fell asleep. I'm tired of sleeping all the time and being home doesn't help...but at the same time I don't feel like its worth really mentioning to the doctors because I am home and not working...so hopefully not important.

But I do wish that I would wake up more energized and feeling like doing something.....but then on the rare occasions that I do I then never seem to have anything worthwhile to go do and have fun with so I guess there really is no winning where that is concerned.

The depression is not as good as it should be and I feel like perhaps the psychiatrist was right in saying that I wasn't doing as well as I thought. In a way it made me feel better that the psychologist disagrees with that, but in another way sometimes I wonder. I still have the thoughts of suicide and that is an unpleasantness that I would rather not have. But I guess my not dwelling on it, makes having the thoughts okay. Although I don't know. I know that we are supposed to be working on the thoughts in therapy though so curious to see what happens with that, even though lately it seems we play catch up because its been so long between visits....but that should be ending soon and maybe I'll see what her plans are for this.

I'm in an okay mood for today, I just wish that I felt like doing more instead of sleeping. But for today I'm going to blame the weather for that. Hopefully I'll be more productive later this week. Although I feel like I did fairly good yesterday I have some more exercises in my book that I wanted to do today.

Psychologist Appointment and Updates

There is much to catch up on. Well I had a psychologist appointment today....to be honest I did not want to go to. I'm not sure why....I've liked this psychologist from the beginning so I am not certain why I totally did not want to go to this appointment. I'm guessing it is just because it has been about a month since I've seen her and in that time things have happened and I knew there was much to catch her up on.

Well she disagreed with the psychiatrist...she said that she is seeing a lot of improvement for someone who has just started therapy and that I was doing a great job. She said that I would continue to have dips in my moods, and that the thoughts will be there but that she is proud of me for not dwelling on them and not beating myself up about them anymore. She said that in the updates that I gave her I handled things much better than I would have before and that she was proud of me.

She wants me to start going back to Sandhills for my psychiatrist appointments because there it would not cost me anything, but that she was not giving me up for my therapy appointments. (I thought that this was great since I want to keep seeing her). For now she has lowered the cost slightly, but then if we have to she will put me on a payment plan so that I can continue to see her so that makes me feel better about that.

I really enjoy talking to her, almost like talking to a friend of mine, except we are not really friends, but it's cool. I found that everything was fairly easy to talk about until it came to admitting that I was a product of rape and not only incest. Then I found at that point that I couldn't look at her, but was staring at the wall in her office. Normally I have a hard time making eye contact with people but have never felt like with her it was a very big issue. I like the fact that I always leave her appointments feeling better about things.

We talked about my feelings with my fight with my friend, and how I handled that. We also talked about how I handled losing my job without totally freaking out about things like I normally would. She is making me see that there has been lots of change and that in the time I've been seeing her that I'm doing good.

So yeah, I know I've not posted about it but mom in a passing conversation a few days ago mentioned that there is nothing that has ever happened to her that was not her own fault. I mentioned that I could think of at least one thing that wasn't her fault (referring to my being born of incest). She said that is was her fault because she could have run. For the first time I finally got her to admit that it wasn't consensual like she first said that it was. The way she figured that was that she could have run back to New Jersey, and she didn't. However in reality it was rape, because she never did consent to it.

Confirmed my earlier suspicions however it was still hard to hear. I always kind of figured that it was rape simply because she had no where else to go, but she always denied that until now. She then of course went back to reading her book, and avoiding the conversation. I wonder when we will ever get beyond all the lies to the real truth of the matter. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I'm also tired of being the byproduct of all this mess. I wonder if I will ever know the full truth of the matter.

I know it doesn't really change things, but yet it does change things for me. I know it's not who I am now, but still realizing that my worst fear of what could have happened is really what did doesn't make accepting things any easier. I so just want to know the truth and deal with it and have it all be over.

On another note I have some applications out and am hoping to hear back from Americorp Vista about one of the two job applications I submitted to them. Anything to get me closer to my dream.

Letter to my Imposter

Ok so one of my things to do last week was to write a note to my imposter (Very similar to the pathological critic) for my next book club meeting. I finally wrote my letter and thought I would post it here for future reference. The point was to write a letter embracing and introducing your imposter to Jesus Christ, as Brennan Manning did in the book "Abba's Child."

Hello My Imposter,

Acknowledging you is easy, listening to you easier still, however talking to you is hard. Very Hard. I'm beginning to see for myself your destructiveness in my life. I hate the people pleasing, acceptance seeking person that you have made me to become. I am sure that at times you were helpful, even necessary for my survival, but I believe that time has long since passed.

Now you are not helpful as you envelop me in fears. Fears of what others think, fears that I'm not accepted, fears of failure, fears of success, fears of being inadequate, fears of drawing attention, and fears of being ignored. You terrorize my mind with thoughts of rejection, that people can't love me and accept me for ME. Until those very fears become fulfilled.

But guess what I've survived. You are losing your precious hold on me. I've hated you for a long time (thus hating myself), even planned ways to kill you off. Then I'm reminded that you are out to kill me and steal my chances at happiness.

I've decided it's time I fight back, not passively as before, but actively. From now on you don't get a voice, you must die. I'm taking you and your lies to Jesus. I don't pretend that it will be easy, nor that you will ever completely go away. But you will be controlled.....your power is slipping away already with the power of His Word.

Yes, I realize that you are a part of me, but that part shall soon be mastered as I learn anew Who I am in Jesus Christ, and I give him power over you.

My Better Self,

Psychiatrist Appointment

I just left my first psychiatrist appointment. Not sure I'm going to like her. She's nice but tough. It wasn't a bad appointment, however she's tough. She accused me of not being honest about my symptoms, questioned why I wouldn't make eye contact with her, but mostly she said that my evaluation of myself was not lining up with what she was seeing. That I seemed to be tearing up a lot for someone who rated themselves a six on a scale of 1 to 10, and she felt like I was much less. She fussed at me for not being honest, and how I was going to have to be more honest with her before she could help me.

She asked about how long I've dealt with depression, and why. She asked about my family. Asked if I have ever been abused in any way....and then wanted to know why I seemed to be so agitated. She's asking all these questions that are next to impossible for me to answer and then wonders why I appear upset, when she's already accused me of not being honest. I'm not going to really enjoy seeing her, I see this already. She wants me back on the abilify at 2mg, and she left the cymbalta at 90 mg. And she wants another visit in 2 weeks to discuss the abilify. I want that like I want a hole in the head. She asked about suicidal thoughts.

She said that I had a hard time admitting to my symptoms....I asked her how was I supposed to admit them to her when I could barely admit them to myself. I told her I felt like I was improving, that there had been some improvement...she was like there should be the meds are working and then still acted as though I was belittling how badly I was doing....here I thought I was being honest. I came out of the appt feeling worse than when I went in. I didn't go in to hear how awful I was doing....I thought that I did that well enough on my own.

Missing my friend

I am seriously missing my friend today. Feeling moody anyway, and that doesn't help matters. I know that she has her rights and her reasons to not want to be friends anymore. But that doesn't make me miss her any less. No matter how screwed up my behavior can be at times that didn't change the fact that I love her and that she was an important part of my life. I know that we will continue to see one another as we go to church together and while I hope that the situation will resolve itself I have to remember that its resolution could simply be in no longer being friends. That will be hard to get used to but I will respect whatever decision that she comes to. It's just hard when you become so emotionally attached to others to turn around and have them no longer be a part of your life....especially when you are incredibly needy and fear rejection as I do. Because then if the rejection comes, you always struggle against feeling like you were to blame, whether there is any truth to that or not.

There is small comfort in thinking that even if we never clear this up here on earth that we would be friends in Heaven, since there all of our issues would be resolved, as they are based on our own imperfections and problems. I struggle with losing anyone and I always seem to take it hard, even when the relationship is toxic, but this one was not and that makes it ever so much harder. She was quick to encourage and offer a positive word, always pointing me back toward God. I know that no matter what she loves me, even if we can't resolve this that doesn't change things. She has went out of her way to be there a few times for me. I can understand that I am not the easiest person to deal with as I tend to be emotional and moody often. That's hard to understand for someone who doesn't deal with those problems normally. I understand that as well. I just need to learn how to let friends go, and quit holding on so terribly tight all the time.

2/20/09

So my to do list for the week includes:

Apply for medicaid

Put in job applications

Psychiatrist appointment

Check on unemployment

Review Esther notes from Session 4

Write a note to my imposter (false self) (For the book club)

Read more of the self-esteem book

Review notes from church yesterday

Look at yesterdays newspapers

Complete the self-esteem exercise

Do a post on the self-esteem exercise (in case anyone wants to do it)

Do a post on how we reinforce the pathological critic.



Today's list:

Put in applications and look at yesterdays papers.

Take frequent breaks.

Read some from the self-esteem book

Start the self-esteem exercise


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well I didn't have the motivation and never got any applications put in, but I did read both the papers. Now I am going to quit for the day and start reading I'm getting behind on some of my magazines and just taking time for me.

2/19/09 Evening

Forced myself to go to bread breakers and it was good, but the group is to big and we are going to have to split the group. I don't like that because I hate change. Grrr. I also hate that I may never get to go back to the old group because that friend is upset and seems to be writing me off. I'm just really missing her today for some reason.

2/19/09

Well today has been good so far. I did not see my "friend" at church this morning....so that was one thing that I didn't need to worry about. I did rejoin the choir, and had choir practice this morning. Then I sat in on the Esther Bible Study, even though I don't have the book and then me and my other friend, had lunch together. I'm just now getting home and I still haven't gotten to do my devotionals yet. And I'm supposed to have bread breakers tonight, I'm just not sure yet whether I'm going to go or simply stay home.

Saturday

Well today is Saturday, sunny and bright. I have the book club in a little while, then tomorrow church and possibly choir again. I'm still not sure about whether to try the Esther study or not.....I want to but I don't want to make things worse between me and my one friend. I may just skip it they started it a few weeks ago and I'm not sure how I want to proceed. I have mixed feelings about a lot these days.

Further updates 3/24 - 4/18

At my next appointment with my psychologist, she said that she could notice a change in me since the last appointment. Then there was a situation with work where my psychologist proved to be most helpful.

I've been rather emotional since being back home...still ongoing. There's been some medicine changes and as of today I am only taking 90mg of Cymbalta and 200mg of provigil. I ended up losing my job, although I am eligible to go back and reapply for employment once things get straightened out. I have my next psychology appointment at the beginning of May. My first psychiatrist appointment is coming up on April 22nd. Curious to see what she will do with things. The doctors have scheduled me for a sleep study for April 30th and May 1st.

On top of all that I feel like I've lost a friend, so that adds to the emotional instability right now. But all in all I feel better than I have in awhile.

Update March 24

My second Psychologist appointment resulted in me being placed inpatient at Old Vineyard Behavioral Health Services in Winston-Salem, on March 11. Below are my journal entries from when I was there.

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1st night 3-11-09

Still not sure how the one hour appt with the psychologist managed to run from 3pm until 6:30. Upset I leave the office and headed to church, at church talked to my friends and they brought me here. Barely slept, have an emotional headache. Wondering how all this works.

1st day 3-12-09

Tired. A little nervous. Peaceful. Not sure about point yet as I'm still waiting to see the Doc. But feeling ok. Not thinking about a whole lot.

Met the doctor....still no opinion. Medication has been upped and abilify has been added. I'll be here a minimum of 5 days. So far it seems pretty boring and traumatic. Wondering about how to know when groups are scheduled. Must ask questions about that. Doctor did not say much ...have not heard from therapist. Hoping to do some in depth group/individual work. I'm bored. What was my friends question from yesterday....What would I look like minus the junk? Who would I be? Who do I want to be?

Eyes on the goal. Secure with myself. Paying less attention to others opinions. Learning to take better care of me for me. Glorifying God. Better Healthier emotions.

Night

Talked to a few people about incest and trust issues. Still a major problem....still upset. Angry. Need to speak with Dr. Giarmo (my psychologist, who sent me here). Shaking. Crying.

3/13/09 Day

More productive so far. Heard from Angela & Nancy. Nancy said mom is freaking out. Talked to 2 different therapists this morning. Talked about past problems, current issues, goals...therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, positive affirmations..self esteem, saw doctor again today. Nurse took blood to run tests on thyroid and lab work.

Therapist wants me to list 5 positive things about myself. They all want me to see a psychiatrist. I was better off before mom was freaking out. I didn't want to think about that.

How will I pay for that? What will I do about mom? She's not supposed to be freaking out on me while I'm here.

Night

Talked to therapist again. She was supposed to call my mom...hasn't yet. Wanted to discuss my situation with finances and worries about mom. Mom said my boss said not to worry about my job. Still not sure what I will be facing upon my return. Don't want to really think about that now. I want caffeine. Been an emotional day for me.

3/14/09 Day & Night

Bored. Tired. Annoyed. Upset, worried. Talked to Angela & Veneda & Mom. Another friend is asking about me. Gave Angela permission to share with her.

Thought about hurting myself at dinner. Tried to talk to therapist but she was getting ready to leave and wouldn't talk to me. The thought of leaving on Monday is freaking me out. I don't feel ready to deal with the real world at all. I want to leave but I know that I'm not ready. I'm scared to leave. Scared that I'm not getting the help that I need. Wondering why Dr. Giarmo put me here. I hate this place...no one cares and everyone gets upset, they almost would not give me the number for Dr. Giarmo. I think I'm gonna call her tomorrow, & see what she can do, about helping me. I'm having thoughts about hurting myself...why? To get attention or help? I hate this getting worse not better. Why would I do this? The people supposed to be helping are not....coloring isn't helping....thinking I should transfer to somewhere else.

3/15/09 Day

Tired, emotional, no energy. In group had to admit to having no trust and not being able to accept love from anyone. Not being sociable, don't want to be bothered. Hoping I can talk sense into someone. Emotions are all over the place today. Dr. Reddy talked about starting me on Provigil to help me to stay awake and be able to function at work. Could be staying longer. Having some bad days. Mom is mad cause I never told her about visitation. Head is killing me. I want some caffeine.

Night

Slept too much today.....Still tired. Not sure what influence I've had on anyone specifically. But I know God put others here for me. Still not sure about my roommate....if I've influenced her or she influenced me. Everyone knows I've been upset....I think most people have seen that. People will start leaving tomorrow that's gonna change things again. Wondering if my roommate will be leaving or staying. I'm tired of the cursing and talks of drugs and sex. Guess I'll go back to sleep for now. Still wondering who God put me here for.

3/16/09 Day

Talked to therapist today. She talked to mom. Talked to Dr. Thotakura (my med doctor in the hospital)....she upped the abilify to help concentration. Got the Provigil about 12:20pm. She also asked if I wanted to transfer to High Point Regional again. I'm thinking that perhaps that is the answer to the care here. I don't find the groups useful or helpful at all.

The Therapist feels that I should be more open with my mom. I don't know that I agree. She wants to say that I'm going to have to deal with a lot by myself. That I'm not always going to be able to call someone. Funny.....Dr. Giarmo has a pager that I can call 24/7.

Really shaking right now. Not sure why. Headache coming back. Still tired and losing my voice. Played Wii bowling in afternoon group.

Night

Losing my voice. Tired of being sick already.

3/17/09 St. Patricks Day

Day~Woke up for breakfast, back to bed, skipped group, got up for meds & got to talk to Dr. Thotakura-not getting transferred because price would be the same. She said that there is no outpatient day program as she originally said. Don't know if I believe her or not. I'm really disappointed. Was told last night that staff had to make calls for me not other patients due to confidentiality. Now being told that staff can't unless I talk to therapist. Now disappointed and frustrated. I know that I asked God to make the decision clear. I thought it was to go to High Point Regional. Obviously not because the door has been closed...this time through no fault of my own. Grrr. My roommate left today.

Night

Taking Augmentin for throat. Homework was tough, made me think. Not sure I've done what she wanted though.

3/18/09

Overall an all right day. Tired but couldn't really nap. Missed part of 1st group....was on masks. There was no handout. 2nd group...coloring-skipped to lay down but never slept really. 3rd group-Meditation-I almost fell asleep....but it worked. 4th group-talked about self esteem. Mom came to visit tonight...hugged me for the first time since I was 9 years old. Even Jennifer hugged me. That was weird. Got a new roommate today. She's great another believer and we have a lot in common. I love my network of friends.....they are so special and care so much. God is still blessing me...talked briefly to my roomie about my dream today. She reminded me that it wasn't going to go away, until brought to completion by God. It must go on.

3/19/09

Almost ready to go home as long as that doesn't mean going straight back to work. Following up with Dr. Giarmo on coping skills and getting homework from her. There is so much work yet to be done. But I'm getting there.

Dr. Thotakura said I can go home tomorrow. Take another week off of work, then back to normal. Mixed feelings about this....nut sure because I'm still so tired.

Still having mixed feelings about this. I need more than 1 week off from work. Of course mom is ready to say I can quit the job now. But I'm not sure that is the answer either. If I did have to quit how would I pay the medical bills?? The job is definitely an issue of added stress and problems especially with the other girl leaving soon. It's going to take an act of God to keep this job....I must make the loan payments on time or I can't go back to school. If there is another way...God show me how to go. If there is a better job or position, Father show it to me.

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So my thoughts now on the overall experience. I think it helped some, but not as good as it could have. The groups were not as helpful as I would have liked, I thought I would have gotten more coping skills out of it. I spent every night once second shift got there coloring pictures, watching TV or reading. The only thing offered other than that was AA or NA, neither of which I needed. I felt that a lot of people didn't care as much as they should have, and that so many people where still hurting and suicidal and the staff didn't seem to care. It upset me that when I would have hurt myself that people were not available to have talked to me. That seemed like that wasn't really all that helpful. Overall I think with research I could probably have found a better program.

At the same time I hope this helps, more than I have recognized.

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Since being home I have struggled some because of the cost of the prescriptions and some difficulties that I'm not yet able to disclose with the work situation.

Have had more suicidal thoughts today....more intentional, less accidental looking. Who do I think I am hurting...no one more than myself and God. Trying to have control where I'm not meant to have any.

It is an attempt at gaining control over the uncontrollable thus ending the pain I suffer, but at what expense to others. It's selfish and wrong.....So why am I still having these thoughts? Lack of trust in God, maybe to take care of the outcome and to make things better for me. Lack of support.....Is it an attempt at simply getting attention? What do I hope to gain from this? What do I know it would bring.....lots of questions and pain for others. Lack of living out Gods plans for my life.

Yeah, I realized something last night and this morning and that is that I really don't know how to be loved and be 100% comfortable with it. Instead I feel myself struggling not to pull back from it and pretend that things are ok so that no one will worry. I tend to be more private and prefer not to share my struggles with everyone and right now a lot of people know and that makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and needy.

But I am determined that I am going to learn to live loved and accept this and not feel bad for it. That's what friends and the church family is supposed to be for. It just feels really weird to me right now and somewhat uncomfortable, and instinctively I'm wanting to pull away and hide.

1st Psychologist Appt

Ok well, I just came back from my first appt. It was different, we covered some background information, as far as who I've seen before-what I liked and what I didn't, what worked and what didn't. What did depression look like to me? The social anxiety, worries, etc., She has said that she gets the impression that I worry about everything, and that worries are always in my mind somewhere. The depression is really bad right now, but that I seem to cope ok with it. The fact that I live at home, sparked a lot of attention and interest. We jumped around a lot. She ended the meeting with saying that we need to work on some coping skills for worries, thoughts(positive thinking), that I needed to break some habits and behaviors and replace with others, as well as some other issues, and that we would get into more detail as we go along. By the next appointment I think she is wanting to have some "therapy goals" that we are to work toward...that she comes up with based on this appt and then we discuss and fine tune together as far as a plan of treatment.

Now she doesn't do meds, but she did request my permission to contact my doctor and recommend some meds and stay in touch with her on the meds that I do get. She also said that I'm not on any meds to help control the worries or anything right now.

We touched on the self-sabotage thing and the lack of sleep, she also mentioned something that I hadn't really thought of that I thought you would both find interesting. That was the question of do I self-sabotage my relationships?? I hadn't exactly thought of it before like that, but I guess in a way I do. That got me to thinking.

She seems to be very bright and attentive. She's already mentioned how I never seem to stop scanning my environment, asked several questions about how social anxiety has affected my life and how my anxiety attacks seem to hit. We briefly discussed suicide, and how I'm not suicidal although have had the thoughts in the past....she also told me that she figured that I would not be one to tell if I was thinking like that, that I would just do it. She seems to have me pegged to a point....in a way that's reassuring.....in a way unsettling. She questioned my social life, we discussed my inability or uncomfortability to call friends at home and my concerns about being a bother or disrupting others lives. We discussed that I e-mail a lot, and that it was easier than talking for me. We discussed that I don't generally go out with friends and that when I do I'm not always comfortable. She said that I present myself as rather well put together. We also discussed that I am very private and hard to get to know, and how it took Nancy six months of living with me before she could see "behind the mask". The doctor liked that phrase. She also realizes that even though she told me that she was the one person who I would never have to worry about hurting her feelings, or making her mad....that I'm still going to be trying to make sure that I meet whatever expectations that I perceive that she has of me. She even told me that this would be a struggle for me, to grasp that idea and get comfortable with it. So I'm hopeful that things will work out well with her.

I have another appointment on March 11, that was the next opening that I could do to fit my time. But afterwards we should get to something more regular I think.

Self-sabotage

I have a problem with self-destructive/self-sabotaging behaviors that I seem to have no control over. For me this often comes in the form of usually doing something to hurt my job, with the final end result being ending up unemployed. I have seen this pattern unfold many times in the last 4 years, and have yet to find a way to stop it. In the past I have subconsciously, made myself physically sick where I was unable to work. With my current job I am seeing the pattern again, only this time instead of becoming physically sick, I am simply falling asleep at work, and I seem to have no way of truly keeping myself awake. If I ever get caught I will lose my job and I know this....I even fell asleep sitting at the table the other night. Right now I do work nights, but the self destructive behaviors come no matter what time of day I work, so that hasn't seemed to make a difference.

I know that I tend to do this around every 6 months or when I become extremely depressed. But the job thing happens about every 6 months and I am coming up soon on 6 months. :( I love this job and do not want to mess it up. Most people misunderstand and think that I do these things on purpose or that I am simply being lazy, but this is soooo not the case.

"Please Hear What I Am NOT Saying"

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Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled within me as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game; that the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one. But don't believe me, please.... My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask, my ever varying and ever concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.... A nonchalant, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation.... My only salvation. And I know it. That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by LOVE.

It's the only think that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison wall; from the barriers I so painstakingly erect. It's the only think that will assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I am really something. But I don't tell you this, I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and I'm just no good and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a façade of assurance without, and with a trembling child within.

And so, begins my parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks. My life becomes a front. I wildly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that is nothing and nothing that is everything, of what's crying inside me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying, what I would like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly, I dislike the superficial game I am playing, the superficial phony. I'd like to be really genuine and spontaneous even what that's the last thing I seem to want or need. Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow with wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. With your sensitivity and compassion and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me. I want you to know that, I want you to know how important you are to me.... How you can be the creator of the person that is in me if you choose to.... Pleas choose....

You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble; you alone can remove the mask; you alone can release me from my lonely prison. So do not pass me by. Please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. My long held conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I might strike back. It's irrational, but despite what books say about a person, I am irrational. I fight against the very thing I cry out for. But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies hope. MY ONLY HOPE. Please try to beat down my wall with a firm hand, but gentle hands.... For a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I AM EVERY MAN AND WOMAN YOU MEET. I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

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My Mask

My mask is a smiling face, that everyone thinks is beautiful, and everyone believes that I am so very, very happy and full of life. Very few people believe I even suffer from depression and no one sees the real pain that is hidden inside. I pretend to be strong, and pretend to be outgoing, and everyone who doesn't know me believes it. Which makes it harder for those who do know me well and know about the social anxiety to understand my many faces.

Sometimes I wonder who I really am behind all the masks....sometimes I feel I don't even know the real me from the fake me.

What does "Normal" feel like?

Normal for me has never ever been normal for everyone else. Even in my "normal" I am wierd..keep to myself, a bookworm, but will talk the few friends I have to death, sometimes in person...I don't do phone calls, often. Email minimally, not bunches to the same people in the course of a day. Feeling relaxed, as much as I ever have. Happy, no depression or anxious thoughts, minimal worry about things that may or may not happen. Comfortable with my friends at church, without second guessing whether they really care or whether I really belong. They make it clear that I do, although I am always second-guessing where I stand. Working, being productive, without being so overly sensitive to criticism that even my boss calling sends me into a panic and anything she says brings me to tears. I have an easy job it shouldn't be like that....but I have major problems with people in authority intimidating me. Not thinking about how I don't fit in and simply accepting that I do...for at least a few minutes.

Sorry I guess I got to rambling....it's just when I think of normal, I can't help but see how abnormal I really am.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

Most of the time, although my church family is always trying to tell me otherwise. I definitely don't feel that I belong to my biological family. But then one of my biggest problems is my own lack of self-worth. I figure I'm not that fond of myself, why should anyone else be. Also if my own family can reject me on so many levels what would keep others from doing the same.

{not that my family has totally rejected me---I've had to move back in with my mom so I am there however....there is no emotional support, just financial support...but no one in my family really gets me}

What does depression feel like?

It simply hurts...until you can't feel anything but the pain. It hurts worse when you are made aware that by hurting you are hurting the ones who love you, because then you get to add guilt to already feeling bad. Then you either can't sleep or you sleep too much and so either way your more sluggish then you were already...and nothing seem to really lift the cloud that you seem to be under, at least not for more than a minute or two. Then if you are like me somehow you find a way to feel guilty for even having it lift for that minute knowing that others are hurting and scared for you and you try to find a way to make it better for them....not even for yourself, because yourself doesn't really count.

Giving In but not giving up

Well, finally the side effects from the Wellbutrin have left my system. I no longer feel so hyper sensitive to everything. I've yet to really start feeling the effects of the prozac yet though with the exception of the itching is gone. I'm still not sleeping as I should be and I am fighting sleeping at work at night and only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a day, on the days I work. But then I know that is a part of my self-destructive behaviors kicking in.

I also find that right now I am extremely sensitive to rejection. I'm constantly waiting on my friends to get fed up and wash their hands of me. But on another note I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow morning. So I'm hoping that will shed some light on these behaviors.

I Will

I am so messed up. Why must I always see myself as being so very bad? Why can't I ever see myself as being good?? It's like I jumped on this mess and now I am writing off a normal life. This isn't how it works, it's not how it is supposed to be!! The medicines will start to work, I will start to feel better and not worse, I will begin to have a life outside of this house, outside of this job, and outside of church, I will learn to hang out with friends and not feel like I am bothering them, I will learn not to always hide behind written words, I will learn to pick up the phone and give someone a call before sending an e-mail. I'm going to find out what a normal life is, I don't think I've even begun to live it, not with these problems of mine, I shouldn't be so consumed with what others think, it is irrational, and it is part of my problem, but it doesn't define me. I will get it back together and I will continue on with the plans I have made. I can and will live a productive life. I will not always live here with my mom, I will not give up on myself, I will not become the person everyone avoids because of her problems, I will not live barely surviving each day, week, month. I will pull through...I'm not alone, God will help me and make me stronger, make me whole. I have friends who care so very much and that's more than some people have. I will hold on, and I will beat this, and I will not let it make me think less of myself. I will get up and get dressed every single day and stop staying in Pj's all day, I will go out and do the things I need to do, I will keep talking and writing and praying for God to give me strength. I will learn to stand strong and know that I am not a bad person. I will learn to think right thoughts. I will make it, somehow, someway, no matter how it feels right now!

It's not by accident

I found this reminder the other day in my devotional and thought that it was more than worthy of sharing and it applies to us all. Not to mention it was perfect for this place that I am currently in. "Where you are today is no accident." No matter what you are facing right now, no matter how bad it is, God already knew it was coming and God is there holding you up. He has a plan for your life (and mine) and all the problems we are facing, well that is part of the journey. But he has prepared provisions for us in our time of need, and will surround us with support if we will allow him to.

Called the doc

I called the doctor about the way the meds were making me feel more panicky and jittery. My doctor was out of the office and so her husband, also the other doc called me back. He made me feel like it was a major inconvenience to do so and then he wanted me to tell him which med was causing it. As if I would know. So then he looked and told me to stop taking the wellbutrin and that they would see me in a month.

But now I feel bad because I called. :(

LATER: I am so hypersensitive and aware of everything now....that even the silence makes noise. It's strange, weird. I'll be glad when this gets out of my system. My hearing is usually not great and now I can hear all the little things that I don't normally hear or notice.

2/2/09

So tonight I started getting panicky and shaky again. I'm not sure why, because I did not even have to leave the house. I'm wondering if it is a side effect of the meds. Sometimes the side effects wear off after a couple of weeks. Otherwise I'm going to have to contact my doctor and see if she can put me on something else. It's really annoying because it's like my fight or flight response has went into overdrive and it takes hours before my body goes back to normal. It's a hard feeling to have...like your whole body is on hyper-alert. I'm hoping it passes soon. It doesn't make sense to me since I was on the same meds the last time and I don't remember having this reaction.

January 31st, 2009

I started out the day feeling on top of the world. No real reason for this feeling other than the first night I slept more than 4 hours all week. Felt like I could tackle anything....instead I sat at the computer and did not run to the store like I should have. I was too busy on the PLM site.

Tonight about 6'o clock I started feeling real panicky and shaky. Visibly shaking by the time I got to work. I haven't seen that in awhile, I'm wondering if it is my problem since it's worsened this week or a side effect to the meds. The shaking seemed internal as well as external. Have no real idea what triggered it or why it started suddenly with no warning like that. Nothing really going on to warrant that kind of a reaction.

Purpose of my blog

The intent of this blog is to share my current and past struggles with Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder. I created this blog to keep my complaining and questions separate from my other blog. However, since I am a Christian, and my Church and Church family are an active part of my life you may hear some of that come through in my postings.

I was diagnosed in 2005 with Depression and Social Anxiety disorder, I took medicine to help with it until Nov. 2007, when I decided I was better and I pulled myself off of the meds. I was med free until Thursday of last week. I'd been really having some problems lately that I did not want to admit to. But after being confronted in Love by some very caring and concerned friends, I was told that it was time to get my life back. I've been slipping backwards into depression, and mood swings for awhile now but simply did not want to see the signs. My friends demanded that I go see a doctor and get back on meds before I wound up messing up my job and all the things I have worked so hard to achieve in the last few years. It has been so bad that even spending time in the Word was not lifting my spirits for more than a few minutes. The doctor put me back on Prozac 40mg and Wellbutrin 150mg, which is what I had taken before.

I can't believe that I am back here again. This time I am using this blog to track and document all that I am going through. Probably boring to most people but if even one person gets help from reading it than it's worth it. I'm sure as I continue to write I will share more details of my past struggles as well.