5/5

It was raining earlier this morning and it's just a blah day outside right now. I did accomplish calling about a new psychiatrist this morning. But now despite the list of things I want to do or the things I should be doing such as looking for a job....my motivation is gone. I went to my room earlier to read and work on my Esther homework and fell asleep. I'm tired of sleeping all the time and being home doesn't help...but at the same time I don't feel like its worth really mentioning to the doctors because I am home and not working...so hopefully not important.

But I do wish that I would wake up more energized and feeling like doing something.....but then on the rare occasions that I do I then never seem to have anything worthwhile to go do and have fun with so I guess there really is no winning where that is concerned.

The depression is not as good as it should be and I feel like perhaps the psychiatrist was right in saying that I wasn't doing as well as I thought. In a way it made me feel better that the psychologist disagrees with that, but in another way sometimes I wonder. I still have the thoughts of suicide and that is an unpleasantness that I would rather not have. But I guess my not dwelling on it, makes having the thoughts okay. Although I don't know. I know that we are supposed to be working on the thoughts in therapy though so curious to see what happens with that, even though lately it seems we play catch up because its been so long between visits....but that should be ending soon and maybe I'll see what her plans are for this.

I'm in an okay mood for today, I just wish that I felt like doing more instead of sleeping. But for today I'm going to blame the weather for that. Hopefully I'll be more productive later this week. Although I feel like I did fairly good yesterday I have some more exercises in my book that I wanted to do today.