My Official Diagnosis

I know that it's been awhile since I have made a long post on here.  Life has been busy.  I guess the place to start would be with saying that I received my official Mental Health Diagnosis in January.  Since receiving the diagnosis I have been busy with working at vocational rehabilitation.  I've been trying in my spare time to research the diagnoses to see what I feel fits and what doesn't so I can discuss this with my therapist.

My official diagnoses is Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Social Phobia/Social Anxiety (SP/SA), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Then I also have traits of Dependent Personality Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

While I don't have a clue what all of these things mean I have been slowly researching BPD.  I slowly plan to research the others as well.  I can agree with so much of the BPD diagnosis that I am sure that I will be posting more about that one soon.

I did start going back to church last month at a new church, but right now due to car problems I am not able to go.

Safe Coping Skills

I have mentioned before that I am attending classes at the Mental Health Association of Greensboro, one of the classes right now is on safe coping skills.  I am going to list here ones that we were provided today in class.  I have highlighted the ones that seemed important and stuck out to me.

1. Ask for help~Reach out to someone safe
2. Inspire Yourself~Carry something positive (poem), or negative (photo of a friend who overdosed)
3. Leave a Bad scene~When things go wrong, get out
4. Persist~never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up
5. Honesty~Secrets and lying are at the core of PTSD and substance abuse; honesty heals them
6. Cry~Let yourself cry; it will not last forever
7. Choose self-respect~Choose whatever will make you like yourself tomorrow
8. Take Good care of your body~eat right, exercise, sleep, safe sex
9. List your Options~In any situation, you have choices
10. Create Meaning~Remind yourself what you are living for:  your children? love? truth? justice? God?
11. Do The Best you can with what you have~Make the most of available opportunities
12. Set a Boundary~Say "No" to protect yourself
13. Compassion~Listen to yourself with respect and Care
14. When in doubt, do what's hardest~The most difficult path is invariably the right one
15. Talk yourself through it~self talk helps in difficult times
16. Imagine~Create a mental picture that helps you feel different (remember a safe place)
17. Notice the choice point~In slow motion, notice the exact moment when you chose a substance
18. Pace Yourself~If overwhelmed, go slower; if stagnant, go faster
19. Stay Safe~Do whatever you need to do to put your safety above all
20. Seek Understanding, not blame~Listen to your behavior; blaming prevents growth
21. If one way doesn't work, try another~As if in a maze, turn a corner and try a new path
22. Link PTSD and substance abuse~recognize substances as an attempt to self-medicate
23. Alone is better than a bad relationship~If only treaters are safe for now, that's ok
24. Create a new story~You are the author of your life; be the hero who overcomes adversity
25.  Avoid Avoidable Suffering~Prevent bad situations in advance
26. Ask Others~Ask others if your belief is accurate
27. Get Organized~You'll feel more in control with lists, "to-do's" and a clean house
28. Watch for Danger Signs~Face a problem before it becomes huge; notice red flags
29. Healing Above All~Focus on what matters
30. Try something, Anything~A good plan today is better than a perfect one tomorrow
31. Discovery~Find out whether your assumption is true rather that staying "in your head"
32. Attend Treatment~A.A., self-help, therapy, medications, groups~anything that keeps you going.
33. Create a buffer~Put something between you and danger (time, distance)
34. Say what you really think~You'll feel closer to others (but only do this with safe people)
35. Listen to your needs~No more neglect-really hear what you need
36. Move Toward your Opposite~(example: if you are too dependant, try being more independent
37. Replay the scene~Review a negative event: what can you do differently next time?
38. Notice the cost~What is the price of substance abuse in your life?
39. Structure your day~a productive schedule keeps you on track and connected to the world
40. Set an action plan~Be specific, set a deadline, and let others know about it
41. Protect Yourself~Put up a shield against destructive people, bad environments, and substances
42. Soothing Talk~Talk to yourself very gently (as if to a friend or small child)
43. Think of the consequences~Really see the impact for tomorrow, next week, next year
44. Trust the process~Just keep moving forward; the only way out is through
45. Work the material~The more you practice and participate, the quicker the healing
46. Integrate the split self~Accept all sides of yourself; they are there for a reason
47. Expect growth to feel uncomfortable~if it feels awkward or difficult you're doing it right
48. Replace destructive activities~Eat candy instead of getting high
49. Pretend you like yourself~see how different the day feels
50. Focus on Now~Do what you can to make today better; don't get overwhelmed by the past or future
51. Praise Yourself~Notice what you did right; this is the most powerful method of growth
52. Observe repeating patterns~Try to notice and understand your re-enactments
53. Self-nurture~Do something you enjoy
54. Practice Delay~If you can't totally prevent a self destructive act, at least delay it as long as possible
55. Let Go of Destructive relationships~If it can't be fixed, detach
56. Take Responsibility~Take an active, not a passive approach
57. Set a deadline~Make it happen by setting a date
58. Make a commitment~Promise yourself to do what's right to help your recovery
59. Rethink~Think in a way that helps you feel better
60. Detach from emotional pain (grounding)~Distract, walk away, change the channel
61. Learn from experience~Seek wisdom that can help you next time
62. Solve the problem~Don't take it personally when things go wrong~try to just seek a solution
63. Use kinder language~Make your language less harsh
64. Examine the evidence~Evaluate both sides of the picture
65. Plan it out~Take the time to think ahead-it's the opposite of impulsivity
66. Identify the belief~For example, shoulds, deprivation reasoning
67. Reward Yourself~Find a healthy way to celebrate anything you do right
68. Create new "tapes"~Literally! Take a tape recorder and record a new way of thinking to play back
69. Find rules to live by~Remember a phrase that works for you (ex:stay real)
70. Setbacks are not failures~a setback is just a setback, nothing more
71. Tolerate the feeling~"No feeling is final", just get through it safely
72. Actions first and feelings will follow~Don't wait until you feel motivated; just start now
73. Create positive addictions~sports, hobbies, AA
74. When in doubt, don't~If you suspect danger, stay away
75. Fight the trigger~Take an active approach to protect yourself
76. Notice the source~Before you accept criticism or advice, notice who's telling it to you
77. Make a decision~If you're stuck, try choosing the best solution you can right now; don't wait
78. Do the right thing~Do what you know will help you, even if you don't feel like it
79. Go to a meeting~Feet first; just get there and let the rest happen
80. Protect your body from HIV~This is truly a life or death issue
81. Prioritize healing~Make healing your most urgent and important goal, above all else
82. Reach for Community Resources~Lean on them!  They can be a source of great support
83. Get others to support your recovery~Tell People what you need
84. Notice what you can control~List the aspects of your life you do control (ex:job, friends)

1st Psychologist Appt

Ok well, I just came back from my first appt. It was different, we covered some background information, as far as who I've seen before-what I liked and what I didn't, what worked and what didn't. What did depression look like to me? The social anxiety, worries, etc., She has said that she gets the impression that I worry about everything, and that worries are always in my mind somewhere. The depression is really bad right now, but that I seem to cope ok with it. The fact that I live at home, sparked a lot of attention and interest. We jumped around a lot. She ended the meeting with saying that we need to work on some coping skills for worries, thoughts(positive thinking), that I needed to break some habits and behaviors and replace with others, as well as some other issues, and that we would get into more detail as we go along. By the next appointment I think she is wanting to have some "therapy goals" that we are to work toward...that she comes up with based on this appt and then we discuss and fine tune together as far as a plan of treatment.

Now she doesn't do meds, but she did request my permission to contact my doctor and recommend some meds and stay in touch with her on the meds that I do get. She also said that I'm not on any meds to help control the worries or anything right now.

We touched on the self-sabotage thing and the lack of sleep, she also mentioned something that I hadn't really thought of that I thought you would both find interesting. That was the question of do I self-sabotage my relationships?? I hadn't exactly thought of it before like that, but I guess in a way I do. That got me to thinking.

She seems to be very bright and attentive. She's already mentioned how I never seem to stop scanning my environment, asked several questions about how social anxiety has affected my life and how my anxiety attacks seem to hit. We briefly discussed suicide, and how I'm not suicidal although have had the thoughts in the past....she also told me that she figured that I would not be one to tell if I was thinking like that, that I would just do it. She seems to have me pegged to a point....in a way that's reassuring.....in a way unsettling. She questioned my social life, we discussed my inability or uncomfortability to call friends at home and my concerns about being a bother or disrupting others lives. We discussed that I e-mail a lot, and that it was easier than talking for me. We discussed that I don't generally go out with friends and that when I do I'm not always comfortable. She said that I present myself as rather well put together. We also discussed that I am very private and hard to get to know, and how it took Nancy six months of living with me before she could see "behind the mask". The doctor liked that phrase. She also realizes that even though she told me that she was the one person who I would never have to worry about hurting her feelings, or making her mad....that I'm still going to be trying to make sure that I meet whatever expectations that I perceive that she has of me. She even told me that this would be a struggle for me, to grasp that idea and get comfortable with it. So I'm hopeful that things will work out well with her.

I have another appointment on March 11, that was the next opening that I could do to fit my time. But afterwards we should get to something more regular I think.

What does depression feel like?

It simply hurts...until you can't feel anything but the pain. It hurts worse when you are made aware that by hurting you are hurting the ones who love you, because then you get to add guilt to already feeling bad. Then you either can't sleep or you sleep too much and so either way your more sluggish then you were already...and nothing seem to really lift the cloud that you seem to be under, at least not for more than a minute or two. Then if you are like me somehow you find a way to feel guilty for even having it lift for that minute knowing that others are hurting and scared for you and you try to find a way to make it better for them....not even for yourself, because yourself doesn't really count.

Giving In but not giving up

Well, finally the side effects from the Wellbutrin have left my system. I no longer feel so hyper sensitive to everything. I've yet to really start feeling the effects of the prozac yet though with the exception of the itching is gone. I'm still not sleeping as I should be and I am fighting sleeping at work at night and only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a day, on the days I work. But then I know that is a part of my self-destructive behaviors kicking in.

I also find that right now I am extremely sensitive to rejection. I'm constantly waiting on my friends to get fed up and wash their hands of me. But on another note I have an appointment with a psychologist tomorrow morning. So I'm hoping that will shed some light on these behaviors.

Purpose of my blog

The intent of this blog is to share my current and past struggles with Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder. I created this blog to keep my complaining and questions separate from my other blog. However, since I am a Christian, and my Church and Church family are an active part of my life you may hear some of that come through in my postings.

I was diagnosed in 2005 with Depression and Social Anxiety disorder, I took medicine to help with it until Nov. 2007, when I decided I was better and I pulled myself off of the meds. I was med free until Thursday of last week. I'd been really having some problems lately that I did not want to admit to. But after being confronted in Love by some very caring and concerned friends, I was told that it was time to get my life back. I've been slipping backwards into depression, and mood swings for awhile now but simply did not want to see the signs. My friends demanded that I go see a doctor and get back on meds before I wound up messing up my job and all the things I have worked so hard to achieve in the last few years. It has been so bad that even spending time in the Word was not lifting my spirits for more than a few minutes. The doctor put me back on Prozac 40mg and Wellbutrin 150mg, which is what I had taken before.

I can't believe that I am back here again. This time I am using this blog to track and document all that I am going through. Probably boring to most people but if even one person gets help from reading it than it's worth it. I'm sure as I continue to write I will share more details of my past struggles as well.