Have had more suicidal thoughts today....more intentional, less accidental looking. Who do I think I am hurting...no one more than myself and God. Trying to have control where I'm not meant to have any.

It is an attempt at gaining control over the uncontrollable thus ending the pain I suffer, but at what expense to others. It's selfish and wrong.....So why am I still having these thoughts? Lack of trust in God, maybe to take care of the outcome and to make things better for me. Lack of support.....Is it an attempt at simply getting attention? What do I hope to gain from this? What do I know it would bring.....lots of questions and pain for others. Lack of living out Gods plans for my life.