Self-Concept Inventory

I have shoulder length, thick, straight red hair with natural highlights that glisten in the sun, which is easily fixed by running my fingers through it. I am 5’2”, with a 38-inch waist, and a 43-inch chest. I have a fair complexion and natural coloring which makes makeup totally unnecessary. I have pretty blue eyes that sparkle, and my smile lights up a room. I also have strong arms great for lifting and moving things, and giving great hugs.

Initially people may find me to be distant. I appear friendly, yet reserved, most people do not realize I have social anxiety disorder. I often pretend that things are okay when they are not. I am quick to help others, when given the chance and I try to be very encouraging. I am a good listener to someone who is in distress. I’m not very open because I don’t trust others well. I also have a tendency to bring the conversation back to me instead of listening to others.

I am very shy until I get to know somebody, but then I’m talkative. I am compassionate and very sensitive to the needs of others. I can be a very good friend to others, if they allow me to be. I have a nurturing personality and enjoy taking care of others. I am very loving and affectionate, especially with people with whom I am close. I often need approval and affirmations from friends when things are not going well. I try to please people whatever it takes. I am very dependable and am generally responsible. I think about things a long time before I start them. I love to read most anything that I can get my hands on, and I love to learn new things and often share what I learn with others
Family members easily irritate me, and I tend to complain when things are going badly, and beat myself up when things go wrong. I put off things that I percieve will be hard or uncomfortable. I think too much about what I said or did or should have said or did or what I will say or do. Social anxiety disorder causes me to feel anxious around people and in social situations

I have an inner strength that pulls me through, and a love for God and his Word. I am very loyal to a cause, my church, and my friends. I am very giving of my time and affection. It takes me a long time to trust others and be genuine with them. I tend to put myself last after trying to please others, or taking care of my close friends. I am very smart and learn quickly. I’m uncertain about myself, and how I appear to others. I think I appear scared of things and life to others. I suffer from feeling sad and down for no reason at times and sometimes nothing I do helps me to improve it. I worry about things too much and what people think about me. Some people think that I focus on myself more than I should

I tend to be prompt, usually early for appointments and engagements. Bosses and authority figures make me shaky and on edge. I strongly believe in quality over quantity in the things I do. Talking on the phone makes me nervous because I feel I am a burden to others. Business calls make me shaky and nervous, and I tend to feel inadequate. I always stand up for what I feel is right

I don’t keep a neat, picked up house, in fact my mess is often overwhelming to look at. However I do take time to relax and unwind. When depressed I struggle to shower and remember to brush my teeth and hair. I don’t keep my appearance up as some do, but I am ok with that. I don’t use my time wisely, waste time sleeping and on the computer, I want to learn to become better at that. I remain tense most all of the time, I need to work on relaxation techniques. I rarely commit to social engagements and often think of backing out.

I generally think about failing before I ever get started on something overwhelming myself to inaction, causing many problems. I can cook well when I really want to, although I choose not to do so often. I don’t pay attention to when its time to do car maintenance. I also buy things I don’t need; like books and junk food, great things to have but not the best use of my money.

Current events don’t interest me, but things that interest me I am attentive to. I tend to be very insightful and I have a natural talent with computers.

Psychiatrist Appt

I've decided that I really just don't like this doctor, I am glad that my psychologist recommended me going back to Sandhills for a psychiatrist and because it is income based, which will help me immensely.

She decided to drop the abilify and start me on 50mg of Seroquel XR in addition to the 90 mg of cymbalta. Today I felt groggy and dizzy upon getting up.....still very sleepy. Now I feel lethargic and tired and groggy, like I could just sleep all day. Doesn't look like I will be very productive today. But most side effects get better after being on the meds for awhile so I'm hoping that it gets better soon. In the meantime I give myself permission not to accomplish much.

5/5

It was raining earlier this morning and it's just a blah day outside right now. I did accomplish calling about a new psychiatrist this morning. But now despite the list of things I want to do or the things I should be doing such as looking for a job....my motivation is gone. I went to my room earlier to read and work on my Esther homework and fell asleep. I'm tired of sleeping all the time and being home doesn't help...but at the same time I don't feel like its worth really mentioning to the doctors because I am home and not working...so hopefully not important.

But I do wish that I would wake up more energized and feeling like doing something.....but then on the rare occasions that I do I then never seem to have anything worthwhile to go do and have fun with so I guess there really is no winning where that is concerned.

The depression is not as good as it should be and I feel like perhaps the psychiatrist was right in saying that I wasn't doing as well as I thought. In a way it made me feel better that the psychologist disagrees with that, but in another way sometimes I wonder. I still have the thoughts of suicide and that is an unpleasantness that I would rather not have. But I guess my not dwelling on it, makes having the thoughts okay. Although I don't know. I know that we are supposed to be working on the thoughts in therapy though so curious to see what happens with that, even though lately it seems we play catch up because its been so long between visits....but that should be ending soon and maybe I'll see what her plans are for this.

I'm in an okay mood for today, I just wish that I felt like doing more instead of sleeping. But for today I'm going to blame the weather for that. Hopefully I'll be more productive later this week. Although I feel like I did fairly good yesterday I have some more exercises in my book that I wanted to do today.

Psychologist Appointment and Updates

There is much to catch up on. Well I had a psychologist appointment today....to be honest I did not want to go to. I'm not sure why....I've liked this psychologist from the beginning so I am not certain why I totally did not want to go to this appointment. I'm guessing it is just because it has been about a month since I've seen her and in that time things have happened and I knew there was much to catch her up on.

Well she disagreed with the psychiatrist...she said that she is seeing a lot of improvement for someone who has just started therapy and that I was doing a great job. She said that I would continue to have dips in my moods, and that the thoughts will be there but that she is proud of me for not dwelling on them and not beating myself up about them anymore. She said that in the updates that I gave her I handled things much better than I would have before and that she was proud of me.

She wants me to start going back to Sandhills for my psychiatrist appointments because there it would not cost me anything, but that she was not giving me up for my therapy appointments. (I thought that this was great since I want to keep seeing her). For now she has lowered the cost slightly, but then if we have to she will put me on a payment plan so that I can continue to see her so that makes me feel better about that.

I really enjoy talking to her, almost like talking to a friend of mine, except we are not really friends, but it's cool. I found that everything was fairly easy to talk about until it came to admitting that I was a product of rape and not only incest. Then I found at that point that I couldn't look at her, but was staring at the wall in her office. Normally I have a hard time making eye contact with people but have never felt like with her it was a very big issue. I like the fact that I always leave her appointments feeling better about things.

We talked about my feelings with my fight with my friend, and how I handled that. We also talked about how I handled losing my job without totally freaking out about things like I normally would. She is making me see that there has been lots of change and that in the time I've been seeing her that I'm doing good.

So yeah, I know I've not posted about it but mom in a passing conversation a few days ago mentioned that there is nothing that has ever happened to her that was not her own fault. I mentioned that I could think of at least one thing that wasn't her fault (referring to my being born of incest). She said that is was her fault because she could have run. For the first time I finally got her to admit that it wasn't consensual like she first said that it was. The way she figured that was that she could have run back to New Jersey, and she didn't. However in reality it was rape, because she never did consent to it.

Confirmed my earlier suspicions however it was still hard to hear. I always kind of figured that it was rape simply because she had no where else to go, but she always denied that until now. She then of course went back to reading her book, and avoiding the conversation. I wonder when we will ever get beyond all the lies to the real truth of the matter. I'm sick and tired of the lies. I'm also tired of being the byproduct of all this mess. I wonder if I will ever know the full truth of the matter.

I know it doesn't really change things, but yet it does change things for me. I know it's not who I am now, but still realizing that my worst fear of what could have happened is really what did doesn't make accepting things any easier. I so just want to know the truth and deal with it and have it all be over.

On another note I have some applications out and am hoping to hear back from Americorp Vista about one of the two job applications I submitted to them. Anything to get me closer to my dream.