Despising people

If I despise him, then it is quite certain that I think over much of myself.  ~Watchman Nee

According to the dictionary Despise means to regard with contempt, distaste, disgust, or disdain; scorn; loathe.


Well, reflecting on that statement, I must think over much of myself because I find that I am despising certain people in my family.  I am tired of being treated like I do not matter or that I am less than everyone else, while being accused of thinking that I am better than anyone else.

I'm doing my best to take classes to learn to deal with the depression and social anxiety (and possibly borderline personality disorder), and I'm accused of being selfish.  I'm trying to take care of me and keep from sliding down that ever slippery slope back into the pit, and people accuse me of being self centered...just trust God they say...or you should do this.  Not that I don't trust God but I don't need my relationship with God to be thrown in my face like some form of punishment.

I was even hoping to clean up my disaster area of a room this weekend and instead ended up getting into a fight with a certain family member about that because it makes trash to take to the dump.  With this particular person, one can never win.  So what to do?  I am looking for a job and have been since January, I have contacted Vocational Rehabilitation to see if they will help.  I'm also trying to figure out plans for moving out, but with the unemployment ending soon I don't see many options for that.

I find that I have lots of anger these days and I'm feeling some resentment about the way that things have worked out.  I know that there has to be a greater plan in play here.  But I'm not seeing it.  I have so many things that I want to post about, but I never seem to have the time for the blogs I keep anymore, or the crocheting that I am learning, or reading, or anything else for that matter.  So I am trying to cut back on my schedule and reduce the amount of time that I am in class and just make time for more enjoyment, but that also means more time at home with said relative.....so not sure how that will work out.  But as far as things go this year October has been a month of changes.....and maybe more to come.