Just came back from my psychologist appt, this morning. Tried to talk to her today about how I was feeling....somehow it led into a trek into the past. She basically when asked point blank what to do about these thoughts of not belonging, she said that it was triggered by my having those feelings in the past and that until I deal with the past issues that there isn't much I can do about the feelings right now. But that I shouldn't beat myself up for the feelings.

Today we got into talking about the false self....what that was and felt like. Then how long I have had the false self, and why. The fact that the false self was developed as a way to get the love from my mother that I wasn't getting naturally. That was why I was having so many problems people pleasing because I started doing that to feel loved. We then also got into talking about my family, mom and dad, etc..

Also because I can relate so well to mom, that I never really developed fully myself, because I wasn't getting the love and support that I needed from her as a child. Guess I never thought about not being fully emotionally developed as being one of my problems....but that does make sense if you think about it.

Final Letter to my imposter

This is hard. Hard to acknowledge you, harder yet to try and talk to you. In acknowledging you, I'm talking to myself. I realize that, a part of myself that I hate and yet love. A part that I want to be more like in some ways yet less like in others.

In you...In the positive, I appear outgoing, friendly, braver than I am, a demeanor that I am known for. I am able to cover over the social anxiety disorder and most people never know. Another thing is that most people would never guess that I'm suffering from depression. So in that sense you've protected me. I've always hid behind my smile that was always there much like a mask, put in place whenever I left the house so that one need not know how unhappy I might be...and yet there is much about you that is negative.

In the negative, you are people pleasing, acceptance seeking, constantly waiting on the other shoe to drop, and awaiting rejection and abandonment. Never feeling like I completely measure up. I built walls so tall so strong that no one could get in as protection from rejection. Isolating myself so well that I had no one to turn to, no one with whom I could be real...until I lost what the real me ever was. I find myself asking who am I really and what do I really like, because somewhere in all the people pleasing I lost myself. Sad thing is some people you simply can't please and when I can't please then I don't know how to proceed.

I know you served a purpose of protecting my tender feelings however, I feel like you are costing me a lot in lost friendships, bad relationships, and controlling my life through fear. Fears of what others think, fears that I'm not accepted, fears of failure, fears of success, fears of being inadequate, fears of drawing attention, and fears of being ignored. You terrorize my mind with thoughts of rejection, that people can't love me and accept me for ME. Until those very fears become fulfilled. Then there is the never being good enough, when people see the real me that they will walk away.

You have become the storm clouds of my soul. Creating problems, enveloping me in fears, overwhelming myself to inaction, and causing me to fail before I start. Keeping me from stepping out in the past, although now I do more through the power I have in Jesus Christ. I'm learning to step out in Christ and do it afraid. Guess what I've survived. You are losing your precious hold on me.

You use my secrets to keep me from ever becoming truly comfortable in any relationship. Why should I always fear that people would not accept me? In a way I was protected for years because without letting people close, I was spared the rejection. But you reinforced that lonely idea with so many fears and judgements that I was made into a prisoner. A self-made prisoner...only now I've found the prison is to small and I now have the keys.

The key is Jesus. As I present you at the foot of the cross, you start to appear smaller and as I focus on what Jesus says you began to lose power over me and my life.

I've come a long way and yet I'm still trapped in this prison. I've decided that its time I fight back, not passively as before, but actively. I've hated you for a long time (thus hating myself), even planned ways to kill you off. Then I'm reminded that you are out to kill me and steal my chances at happiness. So I can't kill you, that would mean killing myself, and that's not an option, at least not when I'm in my right mind. But from now on you don't get a voice, unless it aligns with God's word. I'm taking you and your lies to Jesus. I don't pretend that it will be easy, nor that you will ever completely go away. But you will be controlled...your power is slipping away already with the power of His Word.

Yes, I realize that you are a part of me, but that part shall soon be mastered as I learn anew Who I am in Jesus Christ, and I give him power over you.

My Better Self,

Deanna

Well my t-doc actually suggested that at the next appointment I make a list of what I want to discuss to focus the session more instead of what we have been doing. She also mentioned that I have basically been trying to do too much lately and that while all the information is good...I've not actually been able to focus on anything completely, to make it real.

She liked the self-concept inventory that I did and felt that it was good...not negative at all. She still feels like I'm making good progress....she simply would like to see me focus completely on some of the information that I've been getting instead of glossing over it and not making it feel real and make real changes.

I chickened out on showing the T-doc the letter to my imposter/false self, because after rereading it I didn't feel like I gave the assignment enough thought or focus....now I need to rewrite it before the next book club meeting.

T-doc also wants to know after looking at my self-concept inventory...how I really see myself, minus the positives that I had to add for that assignment...so now I need to try and right another one showing her how I truly feel about myself then she can see how we need to work to get to the truth of the one I did on here last week for the self-concept inventory.

Tired of this

Why is it that the more I let people know, the more they tend to want to criticize or judge, or even worse, they become more concerned...and then try to offer advice. I hate for people to be concerned, worse yet is when they actually begin to show it because it makes me question whether I should tell them anything and I have a tendency to want to invalidate how I feel to try and make others worry less. I think that bottling is probably one of the reasons things had gotten so bad to begin with because I wouldn't acknowledge it. Now I tend to want to cover up and fake being okay just to make others feel better.

I'm tired of this...tired of being forced to either accept the criticism and judgments or fake being okay so that people will stop worrying about me. It is so very taxing to never be able to be real, especially when getting better means learning to be really real. I can't get better by not acknowledging the problem, and yet I can't stand to have others worry about me enough to deal with it all. There seems to be a fine line between overly concerned and judging right now with people and it seems every time that I think that I've dealt with one person causing problems.....I run into someone else that I simply have problems figuring out how to deal with.

Sometimes I feel like I simply can't win for losing.