Monday, April 27, 2009

Letter to my Imposter

Ok so one of my things to do last week was to write a note to my imposter (Very similar to the pathological critic) for my next book club meeting. I finally wrote my letter and thought I would post it here for future reference. The point was to write a letter embracing and introducing your imposter to Jesus Christ, as Brennan Manning did in the book "Abba's Child."

Hello My Imposter,

Acknowledging you is easy, listening to you easier still, however talking to you is hard. Very Hard. I'm beginning to see for myself your destructiveness in my life. I hate the people pleasing, acceptance seeking person that you have made me to become. I am sure that at times you were helpful, even necessary for my survival, but I believe that time has long since passed.

Now you are not helpful as you envelop me in fears. Fears of what others think, fears that I'm not accepted, fears of failure, fears of success, fears of being inadequate, fears of drawing attention, and fears of being ignored. You terrorize my mind with thoughts of rejection, that people can't love me and accept me for ME. Until those very fears become fulfilled.

But guess what I've survived. You are losing your precious hold on me. I've hated you for a long time (thus hating myself), even planned ways to kill you off. Then I'm reminded that you are out to kill me and steal my chances at happiness.

I've decided it's time I fight back, not passively as before, but actively. From now on you don't get a voice, you must die. I'm taking you and your lies to Jesus. I don't pretend that it will be easy, nor that you will ever completely go away. But you will be controlled.....your power is slipping away already with the power of His Word.

Yes, I realize that you are a part of me, but that part shall soon be mastered as I learn anew Who I am in Jesus Christ, and I give him power over you.

My Better Self,

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Psychiatrist Appointment

I just left my first psychiatrist appointment. Not sure I'm going to like her. She's nice but tough. It wasn't a bad appointment, however she's tough. She accused me of not being honest about my symptoms, questioned why I wouldn't make eye contact with her, but mostly she said that my evaluation of myself was not lining up with what she was seeing. That I seemed to be tearing up a lot for someone who rated themselves a six on a scale of 1 to 10, and she felt like I was much less. She fussed at me for not being honest, and how I was going to have to be more honest with her before she could help me.

She asked about how long I've dealt with depression, and why. She asked about my family. Asked if I have ever been abused in any way....and then wanted to know why I seemed to be so agitated. She's asking all these questions that are next to impossible for me to answer and then wonders why I appear upset, when she's already accused me of not being honest. I'm not going to really enjoy seeing her, I see this already. She wants me back on the abilify at 2mg, and she left the cymbalta at 90 mg. And she wants another visit in 2 weeks to discuss the abilify. I want that like I want a hole in the head. She asked about suicidal thoughts.

She said that I had a hard time admitting to my symptoms....I asked her how was I supposed to admit them to her when I could barely admit them to myself. I told her I felt like I was improving, that there had been some improvement...she was like there should be the meds are working and then still acted as though I was belittling how badly I was doing....here I thought I was being honest. I came out of the appt feeling worse than when I went in. I didn't go in to hear how awful I was doing....I thought that I did that well enough on my own.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Missing my friend

I am seriously missing my friend today. Feeling moody anyway, and that doesn't help matters. I know that she has her rights and her reasons to not want to be friends anymore. But that doesn't make me miss her any less. No matter how screwed up my behavior can be at times that didn't change the fact that I love her and that she was an important part of my life. I know that we will continue to see one another as we go to church together and while I hope that the situation will resolve itself I have to remember that its resolution could simply be in no longer being friends. That will be hard to get used to but I will respect whatever decision that she comes to. It's just hard when you become so emotionally attached to others to turn around and have them no longer be a part of your life....especially when you are incredibly needy and fear rejection as I do. Because then if the rejection comes, you always struggle against feeling like you were to blame, whether there is any truth to that or not.

There is small comfort in thinking that even if we never clear this up here on earth that we would be friends in Heaven, since there all of our issues would be resolved, as they are based on our own imperfections and problems. I struggle with losing anyone and I always seem to take it hard, even when the relationship is toxic, but this one was not and that makes it ever so much harder. She was quick to encourage and offer a positive word, always pointing me back toward God. I know that no matter what she loves me, even if we can't resolve this that doesn't change things. She has went out of her way to be there a few times for me. I can understand that I am not the easiest person to deal with as I tend to be emotional and moody often. That's hard to understand for someone who doesn't deal with those problems normally. I understand that as well. I just need to learn how to let friends go, and quit holding on so terribly tight all the time.

Monday, April 20, 2009

2/20/09

So my to do list for the week includes:

Apply for medicaid

Put in job applications

Psychiatrist appointment

Check on unemployment

Review Esther notes from Session 4

Write a note to my imposter (false self) (For the book club)

Read more of the self-esteem book

Review notes from church yesterday

Look at yesterdays newspapers

Complete the self-esteem exercise

Do a post on the self-esteem exercise (in case anyone wants to do it)

Do a post on how we reinforce the pathological critic.



Today's list:

Put in applications and look at yesterdays papers.

Take frequent breaks.

Read some from the self-esteem book

Start the self-esteem exercise


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well I didn't have the motivation and never got any applications put in, but I did read both the papers. Now I am going to quit for the day and start reading I'm getting behind on some of my magazines and just taking time for me.

2/19/09 Evening

Forced myself to go to bread breakers and it was good, but the group is to big and we are going to have to split the group. I don't like that because I hate change. Grrr. I also hate that I may never get to go back to the old group because that friend is upset and seems to be writing me off. I'm just really missing her today for some reason.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

2/19/09

Well today has been good so far. I did not see my "friend" at church this morning....so that was one thing that I didn't need to worry about. I did rejoin the choir, and had choir practice this morning. Then I sat in on the Esther Bible Study, even though I don't have the book and then me and my other friend, had lunch together. I'm just now getting home and I still haven't gotten to do my devotionals yet. And I'm supposed to have bread breakers tonight, I'm just not sure yet whether I'm going to go or simply stay home.


Saturday, April 18, 2009

Saturday

Well today is Saturday, sunny and bright. I have the book club in a little while, then tomorrow church and possibly choir again. I'm still not sure about whether to try the Esther study or not.....I want to but I don't want to make things worse between me and my one friend. I may just skip it they started it a few weeks ago and I'm not sure how I want to proceed. I have mixed feelings about a lot these days.


Further updates 3/24 - 4/18

At my next appointment with my psychologist, she said that she could notice a change in me since the last appointment. Then there was a situation with work where my psychologist proved to be most helpful.

I've been rather emotional since being back home...still ongoing. There's been some medicine changes and as of today I am only taking 90mg of Cymbalta and 200mg of provigil. I ended up losing my job, although I am eligible to go back and reapply for employment once things get straightened out. I have my next psychology appointment at the beginning of May. My first psychiatrist appointment is coming up on April 22nd. Curious to see what she will do with things. The doctors have scheduled me for a sleep study for April 30th and May 1st.

On top of all that I feel like I've lost a friend, so that adds to the emotional instability right now. But all in all I feel better than I have in awhile.


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